Doctor Who
Marco Polo episode 1
The Roof of the World
Ok, who lost the episodes down the back of a sofa? Own up. So this is
being done by Loose Cannon reconstruction. We are lucky to have the
audios, and in many cases the telesnaps and even censor clips from many
of the missing stories, but then there's pauses in the audio, where you
just know one of the regulars has done something amazing and non-verbal
which is lost forever.
First odd thing - this reconstruction is in COLOUR. I forgot that. I
remember borrowing Aidan Brack's copy of this on VHS at uni about 16
years ago.
The fourth dimension, it is explodin',
Violence flarin', cavemen loadin',
You're old enough to time travel but not for votin',
You don't believe in war, but whose that Thal you're smotin',
And even the Skaro river has bodies floatin',
But you tell me over and over and over again my Doc
Ah, you don't believe we're on the Edge of Destruction.
The TARDIS goes boom and everyone hits the floor. But they get up again,
you're never going to keep them down. Good work on Ian to collapse into
a nearby chair.
"Ian Chesterton?" says Barbara as thought she's not read the script.
Susan looks drunk. Everyone is acting oddly. And I don't mean "are they
possessed?" I mean "do they realise the cameras are filming?" The Doctor
is lying down so long you might think he'd pissed off and left a body
double.
Even William Russell looks confused.
I'm confused.
Everyone has amnesia and is pausing between words so often even Harold Pinter would have said "too long".
Perhaps he did it, says Ian of the Doctor about the doors opening. You
know those pisstakes of Russian theatre, with people saying ominous
things slowly, and then a pause before anyone says anything else. This
is Doctor Who as done by a sketch by Paul Whitehouse.
Some bad acting from Ford, comically punctured by Ian going "She's FAINTED!"
William Hartnell still can't be arsed getting involved in the episode. Wisest person going here.
Randomly Susan has a scissors and threatens Ian. Instead she stabs a
recliner bed to death, presumably for it nearly lifting her skirt up
before William Russell intervened.
You know that Assignment 1 with Sapphire and Steel. Childs nursery
rhymes, Val Pringle, stopped clocks, etc? That still made more sense
than this.
Although in the background they start playing Eric Siday's Anesthesia,
which gets me excited because you'll recognise it as background music
from The Moonbase! Siday was a pioneer in electronic music - he commissioned the first Moog synthesizer - and until his early death in
the 1970s his work appeared time and again in 60s Doctor Who. It feels
futuristic, and would lead one day to Visage.
Meanwhile it now time for Susan to threaten Barbara with the scissors.
This really is an experiment in wasting time. The sound quality in the
Pilot episode (actually the pilot) (Goes Wrong Show gag for you all) was
better than here.
So the Doctor does what seems obvious. He poisons everyone, only for
someone off screen to strangle him. What an odd cliffhanger to a frankly
odd episode.
Oh I should mention Barbara has a right proper go at the Doctor for being an untrusting sod.
And the Doctors phrase "Rash action is worse than no action". Wise.
Doctor Who
Edge of Destruction part 2
The Brink of Disaster
"on the brink of disaster..." Ah it doesn't work as well.
It turns out it was Ian strangling the Doctor. But he stops now the
cliffhanger is over. Did I mention the Doctor sneaking in with laced
nightcaps on a tray was very funny? Even William Russell can't do the
falling in a nightdress to the floor bit. Judging from the angle of the
shot, Susan can walk through walls, but never uses this for practical
effect. The bloodied bit on the Doctors head bandage has swapped sides
of his head.
For the first time all series, William Russell just can't be arsed here.
Not sure I can blame him. Apparently the DVD Commentary explains all
the bits of the script they couldn't be bothered translating to the
screen.
As Susan starts to complain to the Doctor, I can't help but shake the
feeling this is made up as we go along, with a distinct need to kill 50
minutes of time.
Ian starts giving Barbara a vigorous back massage, which is prelude to
her holding him in his arms. William Russell. But then the Doctor ruins
this happy moment for the couple by deciding they are innocent of
damaging the ship, without anything happening in between to change his
mind.
"We're on the brink of discussion!" says the Doctor, which is
surprisingly accurate. So something has gone wrong with the TARDIS, and
to let the crew know its made them go insane. I'm not sure that's the
most sensible safety warning. Like a house warning you of a fire by
spraying petrol.
Anyhow, the Doctor casually announces the crew have ten minutes to
survive. Then he slowly walks around the TARDIS set as though that its
not that big a deal.
Barbara decides the food machine and the clock were actually giving out
clues to what was going on. Later on, when Barbara left the TARDIS, she
found fame as the only winner of the 3-2-1 grand prize in history.
The concept of something possessing the TARDIS - mentioned in a throwaway line - is far more interesting.
So this exists because Who was originally given a 13 episode run, and
they had 2 episodes spare. Imagine the Daleks never took off, this would
be the weirdest run of 13 SF episodes ever.
DOCTOR: I know. I know. I said it would take the force of a total solar
system to attract the power away from my ship. We're at the very
beginning, the new start of a solar system. Outside, the atoms are
rushing towards each other. Fusing, coagulating, until minute little
collections of matter are created. And so the process goes on, and on
until dust is formed. Dust then becomes solid entity. A new birth, of a
sun and its planets.
The Doctor giggling and talking about the birth of suns in a darkened
TARDIS room makes as much sense as anything else, but is also a fun
Doctor moment. Anyhow, this cheers up the Doctor who gives Susan a big
hug, and then stutters an apology to Barbara. Its very odd that this of
all things turns the Doctor into "lets be friends".
Barbara is still in a huff. Doctor has a Doctor moment with her but she seems unconvinced.
Meanwhile, Susan is playing in the snow.
Edge of Destruction is an oddity. It tries to be different, and it is,
but between the regulars not being on form, and the weird structure of
the tales, it feels more like a series of disconnected weird imagery,
than a story in its own right.
The Doctors already in an inquisitive mood, wanting to find out why the
forest they land in is petrified. Ian has the feeling something is wrong
with this new location. Barbara shows early prejudice against friendly
reptile creatures (beware Vicki!). The reveal the creature was a robot
makes Barbara sad this isn't Earth, because Earth getting nuked to death
would be so much better.
"There's nothing here to rely on" says Barbara, crushing poor old Ian.
"The planet is totally dead" says The Doctor, 10 seconds before seeing a
big alien city. That city is bloody huge though, to scale. You can just
picture poor old Dalek Kindergarten Teachers: "Tommy, DO NOT
EXTERMINATE THE TOYS!"
Was recently asked how I'd rebook the infamously bad Vince McMahon win in the 1999 Rumble. Here's my attempt saved...
Well the pre-rumble stuff I'd keep mostly the same but...change it
about. Road Dogg/Bossman isn't needed, X-Pac/Gangrel was a decent sprint
so add a bit more time, tame down the I Quit for the sake of Mick
Foley's health.
Rumble. Take out Vince for starters. Keep the
bounty on elimination Austin. Keep DX and The Corporation in the match,
and add in The Ministry, so the story is the target on Austin and him
having to dodge 3 big stables fighting each other. He can dodge in and
out and use his wiles to have folk turn on each other instead.
Doctor Who - The Pilot Episode (1963) I know there are
several different versions circulating, I believe this is the one
from 1991. There's a degree of uncanny valley here, seeing something
you know well but slightly off kilter. I'd never seen this version of
An Unearthly Child part 1 before. Many of the scenes are familiar but
the sound quality is off, people mumble their lines and there's the
lingering feeling of a dress rehearsal to it. Carole Ann Ford in
particular speaks all of her lines too fast. But in the midst of all
this in Act One, there is William Russell breezing through every
scene, treating them as though he's live on stage doing Shakespeare.
Susan and Barbara are one degree to the left off what we know and
love, but Ian is pretty much Ian from the start.
