Apocalypse Pompeii (2014)
So we start with a guy trying to drive his wife and daughter away from
some volcano in the Carribbean/latin America as pyroclastic flow rushes
through their village. And just as I was about to write down how
unrealistic that is, the car explodes, because you can't outrun
pyroclastic flow. I guess that's them dead.
Meanwhile, a guy who looks like Alberto Del Rio (man, did this reference from a week ago date badly!) is having a boring
meeting in town. And some American tourists are investigating Pompeii
when Vesuvius explodes again. Is this the same explosion? The narratives
a bit weird here. Also its a Bulgarian Italian film, the audio for it
on Horror Channel is ¤¤¤¤ed, and there's no subtitles so I haven't a
clue who is who.
Del Rio's boss is annoyed by a loud noise, so he opens the window to reveal exploding volcano. As you do.
Meanwhile American tourists hide in the ruined tunnels of Pompeii which
apparently are a good place to defend yourself from a volcanic eruption.
If only the people of actual Pompeii knew this instead of dying from
the whole poisonous fumes thing.
On the surface some men argue and I wish this film had a Wiki synopsis
page. "We all know neither of us can stop a volcano" says the man's
boss.
OK, so the main guy is Adrian Paul from Highlander. A policeman
threatens to shoot him, possibly due to volcano, but then he goes and
talks to the army instead. He's an ex commando and this is his former
colleagues, and he will "fight a court martial" to get his family back.
Who are somewhere getting beat up by Vesuvius.
"Martin Hafer of Influx gave the film one out of five stars,
citing that "the plot is stupid and the characters are shallow—often
coming off as caricatures.""
Don't you hate it when reviewers are too kind to films?
Meanwhile it turns out that hiding in a tunnel next o a volcano is a bad
idea and one of the guys explodes into fire. Before the tunnel
collapses on him and the rest run away, 2 dead tourists down.
Remember when Volcano with its tar pits seemed the stupidest volcano film?
The commandos line up their cars at the edge of the disaster zone only
for Vesuvius to chuck some flying molten rocks at the cars and destroy
them.
And the tourists have casually escaped the tunnel only to find a nice
relaxing day. Quickly some CGI burning is added to the distance. They
hide in some more relics.
Apparently relics with a shut door "may help to block the heatwave".
Adrian starts training his commandos, and plans to use some helicopters.
The volcano in the background of this shot is dormant btw.
Some teenagers casually walk down the street not noticing the exploding
volcano behind them. Then they suddenly do and stop talking about
tattoos and run. How unaware of your surroundings do you need to be to
miss LAVA?
Some sweaty snogging in the overheating Pompeii building while those teens just stood there waiting to die.
Apparently that building does keep you alive from a volcanic eruption shockwave.
There's still an hour of this to go apparently.
Soldiers are actually trying to steal the helicopters off the army. For
their plan. They break into a naval base. We see stock footage of actual
soldiers and an army helicopter.
An Army sniper is about to take them out until Vesuvius chucks a burning rock at the guy who burns to death.
Btw did you know that the eruption of Vesuvius in 1944 destroyed more
Allied aircraft than the Axis powers managed in the entire rest of World
War Two?
This films get a 2.4 out of 10 on imdb.
"Hello Carlo, Yeah I'll be right there. Dammit! Come on! Okay, yeah."
Shakespearean dialogue.
They have a helicopter!
One guy got injured by flying volcanic bombs.
Incidentally its lucky the teenage daughter is a world class expert on
volcanos. Again they are outside and there seems to be no evidence of
volcanic activity, because that would be expensive. But then the entire
side of the mountain explodes, and despite one guy who is killed by the
debri explosion, everyone else runs inside a library building which is
strong enough to survive that type of thing. How incredibly lucky
someone built a volcano proof building this close to the volcano.
"I could get us all killed" she says. Not with this level of plot armour.
The helicopter looks for survivors. John Rhys-Davies shows up to
announce he will shoot them out of the sky. JRD orders his helicopter to
chase theirs into Vesuvius's airspace to shoot them down. But then he
realises they are civilians so stops trying to kill them.
IN the building, the daughter casually walks around looking for an
escape route. Camera man is spotted in the mirror. Either that or we've
added ghosts late on. Meanwhile the helicopter climbs over the ash
clouds. Adrian checks his phone to see if he can get a signal during a
volcanic eruption.
Apparently, he can.
Then one of the tourists dies from volcanic fumes so they all need to
run to a room where the daughter can make makeshift gas masks from
clothing and nearby chemicals. What a stroke of luck!
Then her mums mobile goes off. "We need to get to high ground." But the roof explodes and destroys the phone!
Somehow despite being right next to Vesuvius when taking off, the
helicopter is now flying towards the Bay of Naples, with the entire
coastal area on fire. The geography in this sucks.
Even more of Vesuvius collapses.
Apparently the family at the start were in latin America and had nothing
to do with the rest of the plot. And they're dead. Even the teddy bear.
Adrian and 2 others jump off the helicopter and grab his family.
"My husband will save us all from the volcano. I know my husband!"
The tourists are trapped behind a wall and the helicopter is in trouble due to the whole volcano thing.
They blow up the wall with explosives and stop to hug instead of run
away. Also I doubt there's enough room on the helicopter for all of
them. Some helicopter view points allow the director to take some
somewhat pervy shots of the daughter. Staying classy, film.
The daughter apologies to all.
Then John Rhys-Davies arrives with a helicopter to save everyone in the nick of time. He gets hit in the side by the volcano but is A list enough to shrug it off and land the helicopter somewhere safe from volcanos.
The family unite happily.
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