The Romans (part 1)
The Slave Traders
Ah, so now we are in the world of Dennis Spooner again. We already saw that approach to the historical, where the Doctor and companions get bunged into the middle of a major event and have to survive. (In comparison to John Lucarotti's more ethical tourism route....)
Spooner's historicals like to eschew historical fact in favour of the story, but then, to that point, let's just remember that the closest historical connection to Tegana in Marco Polo was in fact some 500 miles away during the events of the time in real life!
Spooner moved to Doctor Who from involvement in Gerry Anderson's Zoom Fish (hi Rob and Charlie!), writing a dozen episodes for the stingray adventures. He was also writer for Girl on the Trapeze, one of the only surviving episodes from the first series of The Avengers, and went on to create Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), remaining in high demand until his death in 1986, from a heart attack.
Spooner's historicals like to eschew historical fact in favour of the story, but then, to that point, let's just remember that the closest historical connection to Tegana in Marco Polo was in fact some 500 miles away during the events of the time in real life!
Spooner moved to Doctor Who from involvement in Gerry Anderson's Zoom Fish (hi Rob and Charlie!), writing a dozen episodes for the stingray adventures. He was also writer for Girl on the Trapeze, one of the only surviving episodes from the first series of The Avengers, and went on to create Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), remaining in high demand until his death in 1986, from a heart attack.
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Anyhow, the TARDIS landed on a cliff, and fell down. Not to worry, the Doctor thinks that can get fixed later, and the TARDIS crew are found lazing around a Roman villa.
Ian is eating seeded grapes, and the Doctor is doing some plant watering.
IAN: No need to say it like that, Doctor. I thought the whole idea of us coming here was that we should all have a nice rest.
DOCTOR: My dear boy, there's a great deal of difference between resting and being sort of, bone idle!
The Doctor then nicks the Two Ronnies Mastermind sketch by answering all of Ian's questions one later than asked. Which is funny.
Vicki rushes down a road like an excited puppy, while Barbara struggles to catch up. "You're getting as bad as Ian" says the young girl, which reminds me of the weans reaction to her aging parents here too. Barbara and Ian are happy for a bit of a rest after all that Dalek fighting, but Vicki wants an adventure.
Meanwhile, a man with a knife waits in the bushes.
We are introduced to the slave traders of the title, plotting in plain sight.
DIDIUS: This is too small a place, Sevcheria. I can't see us finding what we want here.
SEVCHERIA: It's our last chance before Rome.
DIDIUS: Why? We pass through much bigger towns.
SEVCHERIA: Yes, and with legal representation. If we raid them, the repercussions will put us out of business.
DIDIUS: Then let's go back.
SEVCHERIA: Didius, the slaves we've already brought from Gaul are in no condition for further travel, and the quality is such we shall have to take far below the market price as it is.
So yep, they're looking for folk to sell as slaves.
Vicki completely fails to barter with a clothes shop, and when Barbara tells her the price will be better if she doesn't look so obviously interested, Vicki wants to go back immediately. So enthusiastic...
Sevcheria gets information on the TARDIS crew from the shop owner.
Meanwhile a white haired old man finishes playing a lyre, and walks off. When he goes down the road, the man with the knife jumps out, grabs him and kills him.
Barbara cooks the Doctor some dinner.
DOCTOR: Oh, fabulous, my dear, absolutely fabulous. What was it we had before, the sort of hors d'oeuvres, so to speak?
VICKI: That isn't its name. French isn't invented yet.
DOCTOR: Tut, tut, tut, tut child. Barbara, what was it? Hmm?
BARBARA: Ant's eggs in hibiscus honey.
DOCTOR: Oh, absolutely. What did you say?
IAN: Ant's eggs, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, that's what I thought she said. Ant's eggs. What do you think I am, a goldfish, hmm?
And we get a brilliant William Hartnell double take - "Ant eggs?"
The Doctor states the TARDIS is perfectly safe, and is going off for a trip of his own.
VICKI: Well, its all right living here, but its boring! No wonder he gets irritable.
IAN: Ha. That's got nothing to do with living here, believe me.
Hahaha.
There isn't much plot so far, it's just the regulars chilling out. Luckily, these regulars are quite engaging when doing ¤¤¤¤ all. We know this, we've seen Edge of Destruction.
Basically, the Doctor wants to go visit Rome with Vicki as a bonding experience, leaving Ian and Barbara to, err, relax together. Barbara admires Ian in a togo, which leads to:
IAN: Not bad at all. Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
BARBARA: Oh boy, that was a mistake.
She also combs his hair.
Didius and Sevcheria talk about their captured slaves as if they were cattle and plan an attack on the villa.
BARBARA: You know Ian, I could get used to this sort of life.
IAN: Mmm. I already have. What about another drink?
BARBARA: Oh, yes, I'd love one. Thank you.
IAN: No ice, I'm afraid.
BARBARA: There's some in the fridge.
Barbara successfully teases Ian - the Monk would have had a fridge, but that's a story for later. Their foreplay is ruined by the slave traders showing up and capturing the two school teachers, after Barbara accidentally KOs Ian with a vase.
Vicki finds the dead body from earlier. This got dark in a hurry. A centurion finds the Doctor, who was looking for someone.
"Swords are dangerous, you fool" says the Doctor. I laughed.
CENTURION: You must be Maximus Pettulian from Corinth, whose skill as a musician is talked of even in Rome.
DOCTOR: Really? Most interesting.
CENTURION: We expected you in Assessium yesterday. When you failed to arrive, I sent my men out to search for you. I count it my good fortune that I've personally found you unharmed.
DOCTOR: If I am the man you're looking for, tell me why should I be harmed, hmm?
CENTURION: All roads to Rome are dangerous for travellers. When you sent word that you intended to make your way on foot, playing your lyre for the people, it caused great concern at court.
DOCTOR: At court?
CENTURION: Caesar Nero's court. The Emperor of all Rome is very concerned for your safe arrival. He looks forward to discussing your music with you.
DOCTOR: The Emperor. Nero, eh? Ha, ha, yes, of course, I have heard that he that he plucks a string or two. Yes, yes. Oh, the child, she travels with me. She keeps her eye on all the lyres.
All the lyres, yes. I bet Dennis was proud when he came up with that one, and he should have been too. So, yes, Dead Old Man was part of a big conspiracy to bump off Nero, and now the Doctor, who is also an old man with white hair, has been mistaken for the dead guy. (Although if he was a dangerous conspirator he really had no sense of personal safety, did the late Mr Petullian...)
Barbara and Ian are being taken to Rome to be sold at auction. A chap buys Ian on the cheap long before and goes in the opposite direction.
The centurion sends the assassin from earlier after the Doctor to finish the job.
As the Doctor laughs over how bad his own lyre playing is, an assassin creeps into the room behind him...
Slow starting, quick ending, but enough regulars and fun lines to keep you occupied.
Romans (part 2)
Greatest cliffhanger resolution ever, or greatest cliffhanger resolution ever?
The poor assassin falls out of a window and the Doctor celebrates like he was the Karate Kid taking out Billy Zabka. "What's the matter with you?" says the Doctor clearly disappointed in the fighting skills of his opponent.
I laughed lots. Especially when Vicki rushes in and the Doctor scolds her for interrupting.
DOCTOR: All right? Of course, I'm all right, my child. You know, I am so constantly outwitting the opposition, I tend to forget the delights and satisfaction of the arts, the gentle art of fisticuffs.
Yes, I know, it doesn't fit with the Rescue's portrayal of the same Doctor, but who doesn't raise a smile at seeing William Hartnell trouncing an opponent.
The Doctor and Vicki decide to carry on to Rome.
The slavers arrive in Rome, with Barbara and a sick old woman sharing words. Apparently they were marching for 34 days, but that was probably the entire journey, not Barbara's.
Meanwhile Ian notes in a galley ship it has been five days of work there, so time has passed.
Barbara meets Tavius who wants to buy a slave and makes a note of Barbara's kindness towards the dying other woman.
A tale of two acting mortalities there. The other slave woman? Dorothy-Rose Gribble, who died in 2014 aged 97, one of the oldest actors linked to Dr Who. Tavius? Played by actor Michael Peake, who died in 1967 aged 48, one of the earliest guest cast deaths. All remain immortal in their Who roles of course.
Gribble's character is to be thrown to the lions, incidentally.
The Doctor ushers Vicki away from a slave auction site in Rome, just as Barbara appears. Missed each other by seconds.
Tavius outbids everyone for Barbara.
Ian, who just had to row a ship for 5 days and then swim for his life in a storm, immediately decides to go rescue Barbara. Terminator Companion.
Oh yes, sorry, forgot to mention: a storm at sea led to the sinking of the galley ship, and Ian and his rowing mate survive by washing up on shore. Luckily the new friend is resourceful and kind, and played by the stunt co-ordinator.
TAVIUS: So you see, young woman, that's the whole story. I saw you with that poor woman slave, and it was then that I realised by the way that you were looking after her, that I should have to help you.
BARBARA: Why, I only did what most people would have done.
TAVIUS: Now, now. No, I think not. Most people under such circumstances would have looked after themselves. No, you're kind and considerate.
BARBARA: Thank you.
TAVIUS: Unfortunately, I'm not able to give you your freedom. You'll still be a slave, but at least here in Nero's house, as a servant of Poppea, life will be more pleasant than it could have been.
BARBARA: I'm grateful for what you've done, but I must tell you that I have no intention of staying here.
TAVIUS: Escape, you mean? Well, of course, I can't stop you but, I think you should consider it very carefully. If you should escape and you're recaptured, it would mean your death.
Tavius now knows Barbara plans to escape, but pretty much is live and let live about it as long as it doesn't hurt his position.
Doctor and Vicki meet Nero, played by Carry on regular Derek Francis. Casting Carry On regulars seemed quite a successful route this season. More on that later...
Tavius also tells the Doctor he dealt with the Doctors troubles, which the Doctor brushes over, but which should tell the audience there is more to Tavius than meets the eye.
The Doctor gets Nero, who wants to hear him, to play first, then mimics his play of a single chord and says Nero is superior, massaging the ego of the historical monster.
DOCTOR: Well, I must say, I got out of that one rather well, hmm?
VICKI: What happens when he asks you to play next time?
Ian and Delos reach Rome and are immediately captured by Sevcherria who sells them on as gladiators. "What will be fighting in the arena?" asks Ian, before seeing stock footage of lions.
With some funny moments, some dire stakes for Ian and Barbara, and the Doctor marching first into a conspiracy without noticing, this is quite an enjoyable episode.
Romans (part 3)
Conspiracy
So, Ian is in the dungeons awaiting some lions in the arena.
Meanwhile Nero writes some music, hates it, and bashes a slave.
Tavius wishes to speak to the Doctor, who calls him our "hissing friend". Tavius seems to believe the Doctor knows far more about a conspiracy than the Doctor does - and all because the Doctor is posing as Maximus Petallian, dead leader of said conspiracy!
DOCTOR: Where are you going?
VICKI: Oh, nowhere special. Just exploring.
DOCTOR: Very well, but don't leave the palace. It's big enough to get lost in anyway. And remember, we're only here as observers. We must not interfere with the course of progress, or try to accelerate man's achievements or progress.
VICKI: Oh, I'll do what you say, Doctor, but it does seem a bit of a waste. Bye.
Like any normal child, Vicki took this lesson to heart, as a few scenes later she tries to murder Nero.
Nero talks to his wife, Poppaea, whom he would later murder in 65AD. Tavius introduces Barbara to the Empress, and Nero immediately goes "Well hello there..."
POPPAEA: My husband, Caesar Nero, seemed quite taken with you.
BARBARA: Oh? Did he, Madame?
POPPAEA: I like being Empress and I intend to remain so.
So Barbara is the main slave of Poppaea, and the Doctor and Vicki walk around the palace with neither meeting the other.
Barbara goes to clean up, and walks into Nero.
He then starts chasing after her in an overly comic manner and stumbles over a vase, bumping into Vicki, who walks in on Locusta, famed poisoner under Nero.
Nero walks into the Doctor, who chuckles at the sex mad Caesar.
Not sure you'd be able to pass this scene off for jokes nowadays, tbh.
Locusta casually tells Vicki all about her day job, murdering people.
Nero's attempts to get to know Barbara continue to be foiled, usually by him bumping into his chief slave, Tigilinius.
VICKI: I must say, you've got a very unusual sort of a job.
LOCUSTA: It has its responsibilities. Official poisoner to the court of Caesar Nero. Yes, very responsible.
VICKI: It must be dangerous too.
LOCUSTA: Great Jupiter, no. I never drink any of my potions.
VICKI: No. But I mean, if you poison somebody, don't they take their revenge?
LOCUSTA: Always. That's why I'm kept so busy.
VICKI: But, I mean, you
LOCUSTA: Oh, I see. You mean revenge against me? Oh no, no. I mean, it's nothing to do with me personally, is it?
Now, ignoring her fate in a few minutes, that last bit is a bit of a historical gag, as the real life Locusta was blamed for Nero's doings and executed soon after his own death. Rather horrifically, if you believe some of the more outlandish sources.
Nero catches up with Barbara only for Poppaea to show up.
Poppaea then makes plans to bump off Barbara.
Ian has a chat in the dungeons with Dorothy Gribble, who tells him that Barbara was sold. Ian repeats this like it rhymes with syphilis.
He's had one line so far and sold it better than anyone.
Nero and the Doctor are having a snooze in the sauna, when a slave pours water on Nero for some reason, leading to him getting thumped and the Doctor encouraging Nero's lack of self-control.
DOCTOR: On my arrival, I was rather under the impression that there was some sort of intrigue going on here, hmm?
NERO: Well, nobody said anything to me. Nobody said a word and I am always informed of intrigues. Who was it?
DOCTOR: Oh it's just a feeling, just a feeling, you know. After all, I mean, a musician with your skill, well, surely you've experienced troubled vibrations?
NERO: Troubled vibrations? Oh, well, of course! Yes!
Nero then announces the Doctor will be playing his lyre for all the liars at the banquet tonight.
Vicki overhears Poppaea plot with Locusta to poison a slave (ie Barbara) and so Vicki sneakily swaps the two goblets of wine.
DOCTOR: So, you've had a busy day, Vicki? Hmm?
VICKI: Yes, it was. Oh, something else I forgot to tell you. I think I've poisoned Nero.
DOCTOR: Really. What?
VICKI: Well, I didn't actually do it, but his wife was going to murder some poor slave or other and I didn't see why that should happen, so I thought
DOCTOR: For heavens sake, child, keep quiet. What did you do?
VICKI: Well, I swapped the drinks round.
DOCTOR: And I told you not to interfere with history. Come along, quickly, quickly child!
Vicki's matter of fact announcement is brilliant. As is the Doctors horrified reaction and slight scolding.
The Doctor stops Nero drinking the wine. He thanks everyone by making Tigilinius drink the wine instead, who promptly drops dead.
William Hartnell has not much to do in this episode, but is enjoying the little he is giving marvellously. Also, look at that slight smirk Derek Francis gives Nero before handing Tigilinius the wine goblet. Very much a case of killing two birds with one stone for Nero, that one!
Meanwhile Poppaea has Locusta sent to the lions. A more merciful fate than real life, if you believe the rumours...
Ian plans to escape and find Barbara.
So it's the banquet, and the Doctor has to play the lyre. What can he do?
The Emperors New Clothes.
"The music is so soft, so delicate, that only those with keen perceptive hearing, will be able to distinguish this melodious charm of music." The Doctor spoke, then mimed playing as though he was on Top of the Pops. This leads to everyone pretending they can hear the music, only to end with Nero going "He's OK but he's not that good!"
Which always brings out a big laugh.
I mean, we've moved into farce, but that's far funnier than Nero chasing women like reverse Benny Hill.
The crowds cheers the Doctor and Nero storms off in a huff.
Ian and Delos are told to go prepare to fight for Nero's pleasure.
They fight in front of Nero and Barbara. Delos gets the upper hand and Nero orders him to kill his new friend, Ian.
Meanwhile Nero writes some music, hates it, and bashes a slave.
Tavius wishes to speak to the Doctor, who calls him our "hissing friend". Tavius seems to believe the Doctor knows far more about a conspiracy than the Doctor does - and all because the Doctor is posing as Maximus Petallian, dead leader of said conspiracy!
DOCTOR: Where are you going?
VICKI: Oh, nowhere special. Just exploring.
DOCTOR: Very well, but don't leave the palace. It's big enough to get lost in anyway. And remember, we're only here as observers. We must not interfere with the course of progress, or try to accelerate man's achievements or progress.
VICKI: Oh, I'll do what you say, Doctor, but it does seem a bit of a waste. Bye.
Like any normal child, Vicki took this lesson to heart, as a few scenes later she tries to murder Nero.
Nero talks to his wife, Poppaea, whom he would later murder in 65AD. Tavius introduces Barbara to the Empress, and Nero immediately goes "Well hello there..."
POPPAEA: My husband, Caesar Nero, seemed quite taken with you.
BARBARA: Oh? Did he, Madame?
POPPAEA: I like being Empress and I intend to remain so.
So Barbara is the main slave of Poppaea, and the Doctor and Vicki walk around the palace with neither meeting the other.
Barbara goes to clean up, and walks into Nero.
He then starts chasing after her in an overly comic manner and stumbles over a vase, bumping into Vicki, who walks in on Locusta, famed poisoner under Nero.
Nero walks into the Doctor, who chuckles at the sex mad Caesar.
Not sure you'd be able to pass this scene off for jokes nowadays, tbh.
Locusta casually tells Vicki all about her day job, murdering people.
Nero's attempts to get to know Barbara continue to be foiled, usually by him bumping into his chief slave, Tigilinius.
VICKI: I must say, you've got a very unusual sort of a job.
LOCUSTA: It has its responsibilities. Official poisoner to the court of Caesar Nero. Yes, very responsible.
VICKI: It must be dangerous too.
LOCUSTA: Great Jupiter, no. I never drink any of my potions.
VICKI: No. But I mean, if you poison somebody, don't they take their revenge?
LOCUSTA: Always. That's why I'm kept so busy.
VICKI: But, I mean, you
LOCUSTA: Oh, I see. You mean revenge against me? Oh no, no. I mean, it's nothing to do with me personally, is it?
Now, ignoring her fate in a few minutes, that last bit is a bit of a historical gag, as the real life Locusta was blamed for Nero's doings and executed soon after his own death. Rather horrifically, if you believe some of the more outlandish sources.
Nero catches up with Barbara only for Poppaea to show up.
Poppaea then makes plans to bump off Barbara.
Ian has a chat in the dungeons with Dorothy Gribble, who tells him that Barbara was sold. Ian repeats this like it rhymes with syphilis.
He's had one line so far and sold it better than anyone.
Nero and the Doctor are having a snooze in the sauna, when a slave pours water on Nero for some reason, leading to him getting thumped and the Doctor encouraging Nero's lack of self-control.
DOCTOR: On my arrival, I was rather under the impression that there was some sort of intrigue going on here, hmm?
NERO: Well, nobody said anything to me. Nobody said a word and I am always informed of intrigues. Who was it?
DOCTOR: Oh it's just a feeling, just a feeling, you know. After all, I mean, a musician with your skill, well, surely you've experienced troubled vibrations?
NERO: Troubled vibrations? Oh, well, of course! Yes!
Nero then announces the Doctor will be playing his lyre for all the liars at the banquet tonight.
Vicki overhears Poppaea plot with Locusta to poison a slave (ie Barbara) and so Vicki sneakily swaps the two goblets of wine.
DOCTOR: So, you've had a busy day, Vicki? Hmm?
VICKI: Yes, it was. Oh, something else I forgot to tell you. I think I've poisoned Nero.
DOCTOR: Really. What?
VICKI: Well, I didn't actually do it, but his wife was going to murder some poor slave or other and I didn't see why that should happen, so I thought
DOCTOR: For heavens sake, child, keep quiet. What did you do?
VICKI: Well, I swapped the drinks round.
DOCTOR: And I told you not to interfere with history. Come along, quickly, quickly child!
Vicki's matter of fact announcement is brilliant. As is the Doctors horrified reaction and slight scolding.
The Doctor stops Nero drinking the wine. He thanks everyone by making Tigilinius drink the wine instead, who promptly drops dead.
William Hartnell has not much to do in this episode, but is enjoying the little he is giving marvellously. Also, look at that slight smirk Derek Francis gives Nero before handing Tigilinius the wine goblet. Very much a case of killing two birds with one stone for Nero, that one!
Meanwhile Poppaea has Locusta sent to the lions. A more merciful fate than real life, if you believe the rumours...
Ian plans to escape and find Barbara.
So it's the banquet, and the Doctor has to play the lyre. What can he do?
The Emperors New Clothes.
"The music is so soft, so delicate, that only those with keen perceptive hearing, will be able to distinguish this melodious charm of music." The Doctor spoke, then mimed playing as though he was on Top of the Pops. This leads to everyone pretending they can hear the music, only to end with Nero going "He's OK but he's not that good!"
Which always brings out a big laugh.
I mean, we've moved into farce, but that's far funnier than Nero chasing women like reverse Benny Hill.
The crowds cheers the Doctor and Nero storms off in a huff.
Ian and Delos are told to go prepare to fight for Nero's pleasure.
They fight in front of Nero and Barbara. Delos gets the upper hand and Nero orders him to kill his new friend, Ian.
Romans (part 4)
Inferno
A great fire?
Delos refuses to kill Ian and both men fight Nero's guards.
NERO: Get up, you coward, and fight. Get up! Your Caesar commands it!
Ian and Delos escape, and Nero realises Barbara is a friend of them. He takes the sword of the nearest guard and kills him.
Also, Nero has a great line to Sevcherria: "If you succeed you will be rewarded. If you fail, you die."
Poppaea orders Tavius to fire Barbara. Barbara then bumps into Tavius, and Tavius promises to protect her, so Barbara tells him that Nero plans to kill a chap called Maximus Petallian ie The Doctor.
See? Everyone in this story would be doomed if they weren't all so nice to Tavius.
Ian and Delos plan their way back to the palace, and Ian slips in this great description of the Doctor:
IAN: Perhaps, but I've got a friend who specialises in trouble. He dives in and usually finds a way. I think I'll take a leaf out of his book for once. Come on.
The Doctor and Vicki find Nero's plans to rebuild Rome, and Tavius interrupts. "Must you hiss my name from all corners?" sighs the Doctor. Tavius explains the plot for the Doctor and tells him about the lions plan.
TAVIUS: So if you still intend to carry on with your plan, today is your last chance to kill Nero.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Kill Nero? I beg your pardon?
TAVIUS: Maximus, when you first sent word from Corinth of your intention to murder the Caesar Nero, I informed your allies in the court.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, you did, did you? Yes.
TAVIUS: Then, when the assassins left here to waylay you on your journey, naturally I thought that was the end.
DOCTOR: Yes, but I arrived here, hmm?
TAVIUS: Yes, Maximus, you arrived here.
DOCTOR: And the Centurion who was killed by my allies, was the man that knew all about my plans and Nero didn't?
TAVIUS: Yes, yes, we all know that, but my main concern now, Maximus, is that you should act on what I say.
DOCTOR: I shall certainly act on what you say, immediately.
The Doctor finds having unwittingly taken on the role of an assassin hilariously funny. And knowing what the future is meant to hold, he is able to get the better of Nero in a very funny scene, made all the funnier for Nero's increasing panic as he realises the Doctor knows the score.
NERO: Maximus, my dear friend!
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear Caesar Nero.
NERO: I have a surprise for you. Guess what it is.
DOCTOR: Well now, let me think. You want me play in the arena?
NERO: You guessed.
DOCTOR: Well, it's no problem at all, after all, you want to do your very best for your fellow artists, well, why not the arena, hmm?
NERO: Yes, yes, of course, that is exactly right.
DOCTOR: Yes, well I promise you I shall try to make it a roaring success.
NERO: You'll have to play something special, you know.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, of course, of course, yes. Something serious, yes. Something they can really get their teeth into, hmm?
NERO: You can't know, you can't. I've told no one.
DOCTOR: Caesar Nero, I've always wanted to put on a good show, to give a great performance.
After all, who knows? If I go down well, I might even make it my farewell performance. You see, I've always wanted to be considered as an artist of some taste. Generally regarded as, er, well er, palatable, hmm? But I must be boring you, oh I must! Surely you have so many other important things to attend to without standing here, chewing over the facts with me?
Brilliant.
The Doctor then accidentally sets Neros plans on fire, giving him the idea to set Rome on fire.
This does lead to Nero's most brilliant revenge idea ever:
"I'll stick you both in the arena, on an island with water all round, and in the water there will be alligators and the water level will be raised and the alligators will get you!"
And when he turns round to praise the Doctor instead (for inspiring his inferno), the Doctor tells the guards to "get out of the way, or you'll get some of that alligator treatment" and again I roared with laughter.
Episode 3 is the famous farce, but so far this one is a lot funnier, because its dialogue and reactions.
Derek Francis is now playing Nero at a few octaves beyond deranged.
Nero has set guards to capture Ian and Delos but they mingle in with the mob Nero has bought to set fire to the city. They use the cover of the mob to free Barbara, and Delos even finds time to murder Sevcherria via the old flaming torch in the gob.
Ian and Barbara head off North out of the city, while Delos travels part of the way so he can go home.
Meanwhile, Vicki and the Doctor watch the city burn from the valley, and Vicki points out that the Doctor tells everyone not to change history or meddle, and yet he just gave Nero the idea to burn Rome down.
The Doctor responds to this by giggling himself senseless.
Good old looney Doctor.
The Doctor and Vicki arrive back at the villa shortly after Barbara and Ian and none of them know how close they were to each others adventures.
The Tardis takes off but is being dragged down by an unseen force to a planet.
What can it be? No idea, never seen The Web Planet before!
The Romans is a lot of fun, and Hartnell and Francis play off each other well but oddly I feel like there were better historicals, both straight, and farcical in the Hartnell era? Maybe I'm just getting old. But enough of that, or we'll be getting some of that alligator treatment.
Delos refuses to kill Ian and both men fight Nero's guards.
NERO: Get up, you coward, and fight. Get up! Your Caesar commands it!
Ian and Delos escape, and Nero realises Barbara is a friend of them. He takes the sword of the nearest guard and kills him.
Also, Nero has a great line to Sevcherria: "If you succeed you will be rewarded. If you fail, you die."
Poppaea orders Tavius to fire Barbara. Barbara then bumps into Tavius, and Tavius promises to protect her, so Barbara tells him that Nero plans to kill a chap called Maximus Petallian ie The Doctor.
See? Everyone in this story would be doomed if they weren't all so nice to Tavius.
Ian and Delos plan their way back to the palace, and Ian slips in this great description of the Doctor:
IAN: Perhaps, but I've got a friend who specialises in trouble. He dives in and usually finds a way. I think I'll take a leaf out of his book for once. Come on.
The Doctor and Vicki find Nero's plans to rebuild Rome, and Tavius interrupts. "Must you hiss my name from all corners?" sighs the Doctor. Tavius explains the plot for the Doctor and tells him about the lions plan.
TAVIUS: So if you still intend to carry on with your plan, today is your last chance to kill Nero.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Kill Nero? I beg your pardon?
TAVIUS: Maximus, when you first sent word from Corinth of your intention to murder the Caesar Nero, I informed your allies in the court.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, you did, did you? Yes.
TAVIUS: Then, when the assassins left here to waylay you on your journey, naturally I thought that was the end.
DOCTOR: Yes, but I arrived here, hmm?
TAVIUS: Yes, Maximus, you arrived here.
DOCTOR: And the Centurion who was killed by my allies, was the man that knew all about my plans and Nero didn't?
TAVIUS: Yes, yes, we all know that, but my main concern now, Maximus, is that you should act on what I say.
DOCTOR: I shall certainly act on what you say, immediately.
The Doctor finds having unwittingly taken on the role of an assassin hilariously funny. And knowing what the future is meant to hold, he is able to get the better of Nero in a very funny scene, made all the funnier for Nero's increasing panic as he realises the Doctor knows the score.
NERO: Maximus, my dear friend!
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear Caesar Nero.
NERO: I have a surprise for you. Guess what it is.
DOCTOR: Well now, let me think. You want me play in the arena?
NERO: You guessed.
DOCTOR: Well, it's no problem at all, after all, you want to do your very best for your fellow artists, well, why not the arena, hmm?
NERO: Yes, yes, of course, that is exactly right.
DOCTOR: Yes, well I promise you I shall try to make it a roaring success.
NERO: You'll have to play something special, you know.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, of course, of course, yes. Something serious, yes. Something they can really get their teeth into, hmm?
NERO: You can't know, you can't. I've told no one.
DOCTOR: Caesar Nero, I've always wanted to put on a good show, to give a great performance.
After all, who knows? If I go down well, I might even make it my farewell performance. You see, I've always wanted to be considered as an artist of some taste. Generally regarded as, er, well er, palatable, hmm? But I must be boring you, oh I must! Surely you have so many other important things to attend to without standing here, chewing over the facts with me?
Brilliant.
The Doctor then accidentally sets Neros plans on fire, giving him the idea to set Rome on fire.
This does lead to Nero's most brilliant revenge idea ever:
"I'll stick you both in the arena, on an island with water all round, and in the water there will be alligators and the water level will be raised and the alligators will get you!"
And when he turns round to praise the Doctor instead (for inspiring his inferno), the Doctor tells the guards to "get out of the way, or you'll get some of that alligator treatment" and again I roared with laughter.
Episode 3 is the famous farce, but so far this one is a lot funnier, because its dialogue and reactions.
Derek Francis is now playing Nero at a few octaves beyond deranged.
Nero has set guards to capture Ian and Delos but they mingle in with the mob Nero has bought to set fire to the city. They use the cover of the mob to free Barbara, and Delos even finds time to murder Sevcherria via the old flaming torch in the gob.
Ian and Barbara head off North out of the city, while Delos travels part of the way so he can go home.
Meanwhile, Vicki and the Doctor watch the city burn from the valley, and Vicki points out that the Doctor tells everyone not to change history or meddle, and yet he just gave Nero the idea to burn Rome down.
The Doctor responds to this by giggling himself senseless.
Good old looney Doctor.
The Doctor and Vicki arrive back at the villa shortly after Barbara and Ian and none of them know how close they were to each others adventures.
The Tardis takes off but is being dragged down by an unseen force to a planet.
What can it be? No idea, never seen The Web Planet before!
The Romans is a lot of fun, and Hartnell and Francis play off each other well but oddly I feel like there were better historicals, both straight, and farcical in the Hartnell era? Maybe I'm just getting old. But enough of that, or we'll be getting some of that alligator treatment.
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