Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Pills, Horses and Tories

As previously mentioned here, I suffer from clinical depression. Due to an unfortunate oversight involving moving doctors, my health has slipped since New Year, so my new doctor put me back on anti-depressants at the start of March. The longest period I was on pills before, from January 2007 to January 2008, I found myself unable to write at all, so I do as much as I can now to nip that in the bud. After all, I may need to spend much time on pills, when we find one that works for me, and them preventing the flow of words is as bad as a writer just waiting for the Muse to show up, I guess.

This is the fourth set of pills I've been on. Fluxotine I was on for that year. It held back all emotions, but didn't really help with the depression, and so was a double blow when my grandfather died in the middle of that year. Citalopram, which we tried in 2009, produced a one million to one reaction with me of making my asthma worse. And Trazodone was just weird.

So now, we are on Mirtazipine. Have been for a month. Sideaffects? A permanent headache which moves between annoying and preventing anything else happening. Prolonged periods of IBS. A tightening of the chest, involuntary muscle twitches, an overfast heart beat, and, as of this morning, prolonged bouts of vomiting. Worst of all, I was warned the pills may cause drowsiness. I take one at 11pm, it eventually KOs me, and I don't wake up till well into the next afternoon, at which point I am still knackered and unfunctioning till near enough time to take the next one. (Yes, this is being written at 10am. I am making the most of the special circumstances of being up most of the night sick, by indulging in the great writers pastime of whinging.)

I'm not sure I like these pills. But we shall see how the Doctor thinks of them, when we go to see him this week.

This did however lead to the shortest health related Job Centre meeting of all time. You get these every so many months automatically, the Job Centre like to just make sure you are ok. Well, they do with me, I know with other folk its a bureaucratic nightmare, but with me, they take one look at me and decide being nasty would be like kicking a three legged puppy, in a sling. The advisor took one look at me and decided I was nowhere near ready for work. The same advisor had pushed Mandy to apply for DLA on my behalf back in August, I was sceptical as to the success of that then, yet now we get a little bit extra, given Mandy has to double as her husband's carer for things he can't quite do.

**
Before heavier stuff, a quick plug for Winterwind.

They have a site here, the first part of my acclaimed look into the supernatural is here, the interview with Duncan Lunan is here and the forum you can give feedback on all of this and much is here.


I remember watching Miklós Fehér die on live television. He was a Benfica substitute, and had just provided a crisp pass for Aguiar's goal against Guimaraes. Then, he leant forwards, before slumping backwards onto the pitch. He died soon after. Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, the same thing which saw off Leonard Rossiter, Mark Vivien Foe, and countless young athletes.

In recent times we saw the horrific incident at White Hart Lane when Fabrice Muamba collapsed. Thankfully, despite the situation looking dire, he seems to be on the mend, though like Clive Clarke I have doubts he will ever play football. But the sport is a mere triffle when a young life was at stake. Yesterday, during a Serie B match in Italy, Piermario Morisini collapsed on the pitch and died. It is not an uncommon phenomena. Even in the decade before Foe brought it crashing into peoples homes live at the Confederations Cup, over twenty young footballers died, either on the pitch or during training. Motherwell lost their captain, Phil O'Donnell. Spain lost two fine stars in Daniel Jarque and Antonio Puerta. 

What causes it? Looking back over the history of the horrid thing, you find examples dating back to the 1950s, and the fear is that it always has been, just now, with football more of a worldwide phenomena than it once was, all the cases are in the spotlight. There doesn't even seem to be a connection between over training or too many matches: Japan international Naoki Matsuda collapsed and died after a 15 minute warmup.

What can we do about it? Well, many of these deaths seem to occur from the hypertrophic C mentioned aboved. This effects 2 in 1000 people, so a number of sports people having it is not surprising. A routine medical, as is frequently carried out by sports teams, will catch 3% of these health issues on the spot. An echiocardiograph can detect over 80%. It wouldn't stop all tragedies, nothing is full proof, but it could stop the vast many. Whatever the (many valid) criticisms of the WWE's wrestling medical programme are, it detected irregular heart problems in one of their wrestlers, MVP, and managed to get it fixed. In Italy, there has been a substantial decrease in such deaths since regimented echiocardiographs were implimented for suspect athletes. It feels churlish to mention Italy so soon after tragedy, but it also shows how some will fall through the gaps. An 89% success rate leaves 11% for tragedies, nothing is fool proof. These medical tests are prohibitively expensive, but then, no medical cost is worth more than a life. If FIFA screens all participating footballers in their World Cup in this manner before a ball is kicked, then there is no excuse for extending it to all sports. Andy Murray recently called for regular heart screening in all sports. I heartily agree with him.

But with mention of the Rossiter example, I would hope that in the near future frequent checks could be as vital and as common as smear tests and cancer screenings. 

It's all about making sport safer. I saw a lot of people yelling at thin air earlier when the Grand National was on. It lead to the deaths of two horses, one of which was a name horse. Will that lead to a safer sport? I well remember the furore and tears when that wonderful horse Best Mate seized up and collapsed of heart failure during a race. I wouldn't hold my breath. Like motor racing before it, calls to improve the safety of the sport come in like trickles before a deluge, yet during the trickles Jackie Stewart was considered a coward by the sporting press for demanding safety changes. Jim Clark was regarded as the safest driver in Formula One, yet died due to unsafe conditions. The parallels between the sport of kings and sport of drivers may be a tenuous one, but the unsavoury side show of racing threatens to consume it as much as the fire and blood threatened to consume motor racing. 

I have no solutions on how to make all sports, involving animals or human, contact or simulated, safer. Inklings but no more. But I am just a humble writer on his laptop. It's not my position to make the games safer. The mantel is on the head of the various sporting bodies to act firmly and humanely.

It is in my cynical nature to believe they'd rather count their shillings.

**

Over the years I have said many nice things about the SNP. Our friend, Shim, has reminded me of many stirring pro-independence speeches I made at university, when I was younger and my philosophies less thought out. Yet, with complimentary terms must come criticism, and the recent slide into petty party politics is one they need to watch. I am aware the Scottish Labour party do the same, but there is no need to slide to their standards. As Neil Kinnock might have said:

I'll tell you what happens with impossible promises. You start with far-fetched resolutions. They are then pickled into a rigid dogma, a code, and you go through the years sticking to that, out-dated, misplaced, irrelevant to the real needs, and you end in the grotesque chaos of a Labour opposition – a Labour opposition! – announcing its opposition to universal health care, all the while wondering why that sound of men turning is coming from graveyards in all the Red parts of the country.

I am aware I have a low opinion of Kinnock, but why not misquote him when you can. The trouble the SNP had was making trying to make political capital of Bradford West, and George "The Cat" Galloways return to parliament. The SNP know what it is like to have a person deemed non gratis becoming a troublesome independent. Lets hope the people of Bradford West dont suffer as much neglect as the people of Bethnal Green did for five years. 

It was special circumstances, though. Lets not chalk up Bradford West to the end of the Labour party. A popular demagogue stepped in. The SNP using that as a country wide issue is to, as Sunny Hundal aptly pointed out, make the same mistake Ken Livingstone has in London: to take a local issue and use it as a referendum on national. In London, it will cost Ken "Less Popular Than The Labour Party" Livingstone, a man seemingly still living in the 80s as much as the Thatcherites. As for Boris Johnson, a man whose polling is TWENTY ONE points above his own party, well, a loss to him is like a loss to George. Special circumstances.

And those special circumstances may come back to haunt the Tories: Boris has been spoken off as a potential Tory leader, so his popularity in London at the expense of the Cameron government may cause one or two heart tremors. 

In France, Francoise Holland may have the touch of humour, and his politics of hope may sweep away Sarkozy's chances of a second time. And how nice to see Melanchon threatening to overtake Le Pen. Even with the Left breaching as this. Will the Left never learn? Too often we are same page, wrong paragraph. Then we watch people in different books co-operate on the other side.

**

In Memoriam

Norman St-John Stevas, Tory MP
Doug Furnas, pro-wrestler
Ralph McQuarrie, conceptual designer (Star Wars)
Leonard Cimino, actor.
Dave Charnley, boxer.
Robert B Sherman, songwriter
Philip Madoc, actor
Frank Rowland, Nobel Chemistry laureate 1995
Censu Tabone, President of Malta
Margaret Whitlam, activist, Australian first lady.
Jocky Wilson, darts player
Bert Sugar, boxing historian
Tony Newton, MP
Adrienne Rich, poet
John Arden, playwright.
Earl Scruggs, blues musician.
Phil Jenkinson, BBC presenter.
Robert Fuest, director.

**

One aging BBC presenter isn't fond of immigrants or the EU. A pair of lovable TV icons helped blacklist ordinary workers for fear of Socialist uprising. One 60s TV star (in specific) was homophobic. I don't even name names, though it is out there, and some don't even shirk from their nature.

So what do we make of it? Is it possible to enjoy a show fronted by someone whose personal views are abhorrent to you? Well, in a word, certainly. 

Let's take a named example, often pilloried now he can't fight back, given that he is forty years dead. William Hartnell. Was he in actual fact a horrid old racist? I can't say. I learnt long ago never to trust anecdotal evidence. Most of it is tit for tat: for every element of unsavouryness, there is a corresponding tale to shoot it down, and vice versa. My suspicions are that he was a man of his time, but was able to put aside personal feelings for his job. (He can't have failed to notice the gay subtext to the character he played in This Sporting Life, yet plays it with aplomb. The rumours of his refusal to act alongside Max Adrian for homophobic reasons stems from Hainings Celebration: the two actors had performed together before, the scripts were not rewritten, and any tension on the set of The Myth Makers came from acting tensions other than nastier reasons, coupled with Hartnell's growing tetchiness due to recent family bereavement and the beginning effects of his horrible illness.) Even if he were a "horrid old racist", the role he was proudest of was of the great fighter for equality and injustice.

So same with the aging BBC presenter. His enthusiasm for his subject boils over, and makes him a national treasure in that regard. That he has personal views of a distasteful nature are neither here nor there. We must seperate the private man from the one on the box. Else, with more and more information coming out about the people we watch, and not all of it enjoyable, then when does it stop?

**


Wednesday, 1 February 2012

The Collins Review of January

I plan to do these Round Ups every month. Knowing my ability to keep on top of things, that'll mean this is the only one we ever see. But if you all pester Gavin Mills and Jon Arnold to pester me to keep up with them, maybe not!

**

Sad news to start everyone off in January, I'm afraid. Mandy's gran, Theresa Steel, died January 3rd after a short battle with pneumonia. At the funeral, the Humanist quoted me (thanks to Mandy) as saying she was "some woman". Had I know I was to be quoted, I'd have produced a longer quote: "She was a hell of a woman." When we saw her in the hospital in her final hours, she was disorientated, but still managed to get in a few good lines - her summing up the visitation of her entire accounted for family in the one hospital room with her was "Am I dying then?" Even after they took the oxygen mask off, she managed to survive on for another two hours, in a performance that would have done a Barton proud. She had the whole lot of us at her bedside when the time came.

I remember the last time I saw her before, which I am afraid, due to her increasing frailness (she suffered from Charcot-Marie Tooth, you see) was at my wedding. Some rotter had gatecrashed the event and was saying mean things about Mandy. Her gran gave them a stare which could melt a supernova, said "That is my granddaughter" and the miscreants never troubled us again.

Terri worked as an auxiliary nurse in a geriatric ward for the mentally ill for years. Then, after her retirement, she became carer for an elderly neighbour for a decade, solely so the neighbour didn't have to leave her home and go into a care home.

She was a formidable and often terrifying woman, yet when my grandfather died, she and Karen Anne were first on the scene to check up on me and Mandy.

She was an absolutely lovely soul, who deserved more than her seventy one years, and whose influence and presence extended beyond the times she was merely in the room with you. We will all miss her dreadfully.

**


Interesting fact I learnt this month: Sophia Loren was once related to Benito Mussolini, through her sisters marriage to the dictators son.

**

The Short Humour Site has taken some more of my rambling short daft pieces.

The Mummy Long Legs is a poem, about campers taking on wildlife, and losing. I thought it would make a good childrens piece, but apparently whilst I thought my Dahl influence was Matilda, it was actually Skin. Ah well.

Man's Best Friend is a vignette in the life of a very familiar horror film told from the point of view of an unfamiiar source. I call it a vignette, as the story kind of fell away from me. It may lead to more in the future, like all Short Humours. Or we may laugh at the outline and realise nothing ever came of it.

Combustura Subitus is, in the words of Jim Steel, "a very good story" and he is not a many to lie. There's always a problem with miracle cures. Admittedly, this might be a bit of a drastic one.

What's The Time Mr Wolf is again a vignette. A better writer might have strung ten thousand words out of the scenario, but here, the topic wanted merely a brief exposure. That's the problem with stories. They have lives of their own.

At Dads Funeral isn't new, but given recent events, I found it quite appropriate. They say its quite dangerous when a writer laughs at his own work. Well, given the amount of funerals we've had to go to in recent years, an amusing look at the type of scrapes a family completely not like mine at all (honest) could have got into at the events, taken to their most ludicrous extremes, was fairly needed.

**

Have heard through the grapevine that one of the Tory bigwigs (read, not of Camerons lot, or Maggie) is seriously ill with cancer, but continuing to work on despite it. Not a fan of Tories since Super Mac stopped being PM, really, but cancer is a hideous illness I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I like to think health is a devolved matter from political affiliation, so best wishes to the Lord and his.

**

Tom and Sam's latest podcast is out. On Star Wars, Wikipedia, SOPA, citations and The Simpsons. A recommended listen.

As is Gavin Mills new blog, except you'd be reading and not listening. Unless you get someone to read it to you, which might be a useful experience!

**

Michael's top ten most listened to tracks of the month, in no particular order:

Andy Williams - The Impossible Dream/Moon River
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch - Hold Tight
Jimmy Nail - Ain't No Doubt
Johnny Cash - Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream
Kinks - Death of a Clown/Animal Farm
Paul McCartney - Band on the Run
Pulp - Death Comes to Town
Simon and Garfunkel - I Am A Rock
Simply Red - Moneys Too Tight to Mention
Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
The Seekers - The Carnival is Over
The Divine Comedy - Bang Goes the Knighthood

Fourteen is smaller than ten, right? (Says he who failed Higher Maths)

**


As you might have guessed, I love a lot of things over a wide variety of areas. Writing, acting, music, to name but three. The problem with having such a wide range of interests means that people involved in those interests die on a fairly regular basis. So sticking to the Toby Hadoke tradition of a moments notice when those things happen:

In Memoriam (January 2012)

Larry Reinhardt (1948-2012), Iron Butterfly guitarist
Charles W Bailey (1928-2012), co-writer of Seven Days in May.
Harry Fowler (1926-2012), British actor (Doctor Who, The Army Game)
Frederica Sagor Maas (1900-2012), silent era Hollywood screenwriter
Bob Holness (1928-2012), the host of Blockbusters.
Bill Dickie (1929-2012), SFA President 1993-7, Motherwell VP
John McCarthy (c1950 - 2012), Irish mental health rights campaigner
Miljan Miljanic (1930-2012), Real Madrid and Yugoslavian national team manager
Johnny Otis (1921-2012) Legendary American singer.
Etta James (1938-2012) Singer
Jenny Tomasin (1936-2012) Actress (Upstairs, Downstairs)
Dick Tufeld (1926-2012) American voice actor (Lost in Space robot)
James Farentino (1938-2012), Actor
Alex Eadie (1920-2012) Labour MP, junior Energy minister 1974-9
Oscar Luigi Scalfaro (1918-2012) Italian President 1992-9

May they all rest in peace.

**

On happier notes, here is a short review of Planet Dinosaur:

Wahay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

Without enough exclamation marks to get one banned from most writing circles for life.

I used to think Cat was joking when she said some TV had been made specifically for her. Now I know what she meant.

Daspletosaurus hunted in packs! This changes a massive part of my childhood.


**


The second part of Duncan Lunan's interview is out at last.

http://www.winterwind-productions.com/feature_articles/duncan_lunan_unabridged_pt1/pg1/

http://www.winterwind-productions.com/feature_articles/duncan_lunan_unabridged_pt2/pg1/

For those interested in the three part series I wrote for the same magazine on The Rise of the Supernatural (and by wrote for, read: lifted from my utterly failed dissertation), you can find that here:

http://www.winterwind-productions.com/feature_articles/

That interview has been used to fill  up Duncan's Wiki entry, though by who we don't know, as neither I or Joe, the editor, have a clue how to edit Wikipedia.

This did lead to my first Wikipedia citation though, which was dreadfully exciting.

And the follow quote about me being cited, from one of the editors - "the citations are atrocious" - which amused me a lot.

**
Twitter comment of the month:


CewshReviews Cewsh Reviews
@
@m_s_collins Yes yes, rub it in. Stupid Brits and their stupid winning Royal Rumbles.

(yes, the Cewsh Reviews Rumble article bet was won by...me! And yes, I am very, very smug.)

**


Finally, the health update. I put this at the bottom so that people who don't wish to see it can avoid it. It twigged to me that if I did write that massive blog on Depression, and it did seem to touch so many people (surprisingly), then I ought to touch base - after all, these things don't leave us.

So how have I been in January. Well, one unkind way of putting it would be...rather shit. I had a very long (three months!) dose of the flu last year, which, coupled with my asthma issues and the cold snap, has weakened me considerably.

You gain one thing and lose another. So I can now cook, when Mandy is in the room, a con carne style dish of rice, mince, onion and garlic, and it is lovely, and healthy. The flipside is I have lost all ability to go outside on my own. Balance issues coupled with severe social phobia leave me unable to take even the smallest steps outside without hanging onto Mandy for dear life. Last Sunday, we went to the shops - it took ten minutes and felt like a marathon. It was the first time I'd been out in a fortnight.

I've spent most of that time writing. I figured if you are stuck with one thing you CAN do, you might as well attack it like the devil, or else what more can you do but wait out eternity? Twenty-thousand words written in January, with several projects drafted entirely. I owe it all to  my most supportive wife and friends (who keep in touch via text and the internet even when I don't get to see them as much) and stubborn bloody mindedness.

It's that same stubborn bloody mindedness that is going to get me better. Eventually. Unless of course, the job centres fears this issue was deteriorative are true. But don't think of bad possibilities till they are breaking news.

Changing Doctors too. Six months ago the psychologist wanted me checked out for a few things. Not happened yet. Mandy not convinced the old place was the right place for me, so off to a new place. It's all very tiring.

To sum up: I'll list the things I told folk about under marks out of 10.

 Listlessness - 6
- Memory trouble 9
- The "Nobody Likes You" issue 10
- Severe social anxiety/panic 10
- Confidence issues 10
- Stress/Temper 9
- Balance/co-ordination 9
- Psychosomatic Symptoms  7
- Insomnia 10
- Concentration 8
- Suicidal Thoughts 8
- "You're Going to DIe" 9


Which gives me the utterly unscientific score for January of 107/120. Still, there will be better months, when fewer friends or family die, one would hope.

**

So there goes the first Monthly Update. Will there be more? Time will tell.

If you've been affected by any moments in tonights blog, feel free to leave a comment in the box below.

Later issues might even have more of the actual writing stuff. That'd be nice.

Remember to check out Great Work by Other Writers. There are only three people in there just now, but that list will grow. I know some great stories by Jim Steel but the internet has eaten them up, unless someone shows me how to use the Google Cache machine thing. There are also some other great writers I've come across lately I plan to add in. If you ARE a great writer, introduce us all to your work. The worst you'll get is constructive criticism. Or fans.

And this was the Michael that was.

As Lemmy says, "The trick to staying alive is to keep breathing". So let none of us give up.