The Celestial Toymaker

 Celestial Toymaker

(part 1)

OK, I'm not going into this one with great expectations.

To start I'm taken aback that the pictures move. Then I realised it was a replay of the end of The Ark.

Ah, there are the pictures alone. We're back in missing episode territory.

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The TARDIS lands somewhere. The scanner isn't working.

The Doctor is invisible, because of an attack. Either by the Toymaker yet to be seen, or by the producers....

DODO: Hey, if the Doctor's intangible, why did he need to open the doors? He could have just walked through them.

STEVEN: Habit, I suppose. Come on, we should follow.
(quotes via the transcripts folk as usual)

Having to fix plot holes by Scene 1 isn't promising.

Michael Gough shows up and brings some clown dolls to life.

The Doctor shows up, as if nothing had happened.

A robot appears.

Its screen shows clips of The Massacre and the Dalek Master Plan, which are missing. Unfortunately, this episode is also missing.

DOCTOR: Now turn around this instant! Turn away from it, dear boy! We're now in the world of The Celestial Toymaker, and that screen is hypnotic. He's trying to dominate your mind.

STEVEN: But, Doctor.

DOCTOR: There is nothing there. Do you understand me? There is nothing there at all. You must believe me.

STEVEN: What was it? What happened?

DODO: What's the matter, Doctor? I couldn't see anything on the screen.

DOCTOR: Come here, child. Now whatever you do, you must not allow yourself to be trapped into looking at it.

DODO: Who's the Celestial Toymaker?

DOCTOR: He's a power for evil. He manipulates people and makes them into his playthings. Whatever you do, neither of you must look at that screen. It's a trap.

The Doctor explains the plot so we don't need to be shown it.

The Toymaker makes millions of TARDIS's appear, then kidnaps the Doctor.

Clowns appear to annoy Steven and Dodo. One of these clowns is Carmen Silvera, who you'll know from, at the very least, Allo Allo.

The clowns squirt Dodo in the face with water. Steven laughs at this.

The Doctor must win a Trilogic game to live. And the TARDIS crew must win their games with the clowns before the Doctor wins. Or they die.

TOYMAKER: You're so innocent, Doctor. The last time you were here, I hoped you'd stay long enough for a game, but you had hardly time to turn around.

DOCTOR: And very wise I was, too. You and your games are quite notorious. You draw people here like a spider does to flies.

TOYMAKER: How absurd. It amuses me to give amusement.

DOCTOR: And should they lose the game they play, you condemn them to become your toy forever.

TOYMAKER: That is one of my rules, certainly. But if they win, they're perfectly free to go.

DOCTOR: And if I refuse?

TOYMAKER: Then you lose by default.

The story perks up when Michael Gough and William Hartnell are facing off. Now, the two things to know about Gough is that, yes, he was a bit of a dodgy person off camera, but he is also a fantastic actor. The latter doesn't excuse the former, but the former is all we've got to judge here.

TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.

DOCTOR: You need me?

TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys. But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together, your brain against mine.

The idea of a bored immortal who needs to play with lesser beings is one Doctor Who will return to again and again.

The Clowns are setting up a game of Blind Mans Buff complete with robots. It's almost impossible to follow by audio and picture alone, and the squeaky voice Carmen Silvera (who was a brilliant stage actress) is asked to do is reminding me more and more of Henry Shield's Frosty the Snowman. Joey the Clown is not a fantastic magical friend, however.

The Toymaker makes the Doctor invisible.

The clowns cheat on Blind Mans Buff but Steven notices. Apparently they look crestfallen. So does Peter Purves.

Steven completes the course and the clowns die. That was probably horrific. On screen. With moving images.

Dodo sees the dolls crumpled and twist and runs from the room.

And tbh, that might have been a kitsch classic with some nice two hander scenes between Hartnell and Gough to compliment it.

But as it is, who the ¤¤¤¤ knows?

Celestial Toymaker (part 2)

Two months have passed since that non-cliffhanger. We've found a Doctor Who that I just can't be arsed with. That, and being aware of a line of dialogue in this one helped put it off.

Apparently the clowns are twisted and dead.

There's also a robot. And a locked door, which Steven tries to open. Successfully.

Michael Gough has a scene with an invisible Doctor and even they don't seem into this. The Doctor gives Dodo a barely audible warning so the Toymaker makes him unable to speak.

Steven and Ian meet a King and Queen based on the playing cards, and its the same actors from last week. Poor Carmen Silvera. This is her Doctor Who spot.

So this weeks game is chairs. Some of them are electric, some not. Don't die.

Steven finds a cupboard of dolls.

The Doctor, off screen, is halfway through his game.

KING: Ah yes, well, it would take a little too long to explain, my boy. The fact is that we are victims of the Toymaker, the same as you are. For instance, if I were to sit in this chair.

QUEEN: Henry, no! We don't know.

KING: Oh! Oh, no, no, no, we don't, do we?

QUEEN: We must use the dolls. We'll each choose a doll in turn, and then we'll take it in turn to test the chairs, that way we'll find the answer even quicker.

DODO: We found the dolls. They're ours. And we're supposed to be playing against you.

QUEEN: But that doesn't seem right. There are four dolls and four of us. We must be meant to have one each. That's only fair.

KING: And then we can test the dolls sitting in the chair before doing so ourselves?

Enthralling stuff, here.

So Steven/Dodo and the monarchs pick their dolls to play with, and then the King decides which ones to pick by going "eenie meanie mini mo" and used a certain racial slur. The audio tries to blur it out - either the actor mumbled the line or the recon folk tried to make it inaudible, rather than, you know, axe it. I'm aware that there's dispute over who was responsible for the line - writer, script-editor, director or actor himself. But you know, even so, there's a whole host of people who had to sign off on this episode who let it passed, in 1966, when it was already a frowned upon phrase.

It's the kicker in an already dull episode. Dull with a bit of casual racism.

Then one of the dolls Steven and Dodo use is killed by the chairs.

DODO: It's horrible! The Toymaker must be mad! Do you really think he means to kill us?

STEVEN: What do you think?

DODO: Well, what do we do now?

STEVEN: Well, we've got to get the other dolls. We've got to get out of this place.

DODO: We can't go in there!

STEVEN: Why?

DODO: Or they'll know about the three extra dolls then.

So Dodo goes from horrified to "better they ¤¤¤¤ing die instead, mate" very quickly.

The ethics of this one are all over the place.

Dodo sits in a chair and gets very cold despite Steven's attempts to jerk her out of it.

DODO: Oh, thank you. You did it.

STEVEN: Oh, we did it together.

DODO: Oh no, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't move.

The King and Queen get The Joker to help out, but he tricks them. They sit on a chair and are imprisoned. Steven sits on the safe church and wins.

They find a TARDIS but its a fake. The Toymaker phones in a threat. Literally.

Steven and Dodo find clues to yet another bloody game waiting for them. Haud me back...

Celestial Toymaker (part 3)

Steven and Dodo spend time in a kitchen with a cook and a sergeant. I've got nothing here. Apparently the key to the next door is hidden somewhere in this kitchen. Does anyone care? I don't think Steven and Dodo care anymore.

The Sergeant seemingly helps Steven and Dodo even though they're on opposite sides. This has taken up 10 minutes of screen time so far.

We'll just have to remember this one, the day I write 10, 000 words on one episode of Ambassadors of Death. Some stories, you can write and write and write about one scene alone. This is giving me nothing I can be bothered to write about.

At least when he get to Attack of the Cybermen you'll get my Helen Lovejoy impression.

Lots of people talk at once and I have no longer any idea what is going on in this episode.

The Toymaker shows up and tells off everyone for not playing properly.

The key got found and, onto a dancefloor everyone goes, to meet some dancing dolls.

Apparently if the dolls get you, you have to dance forever. So its the Dark Knight from Incredible Games, but dull. What a knightmare...

Everyone dances across the small floor, but the Sgt is caught by the dolls.

So Steven and Dodo win.

WIGGS: I'm surprised at you, Sergeant Rugg. Put that hussy down and get to the cupboard!

That did raise a slight smile.

This is thin gruel, otherwise.

Anyhow they bump into Cyril who wants to play another game with Dodo and Steven. The Toymaker threatens them with "a fat jolly schoolboy" - his words, not mine.

This is not Doctor Who's finest work.

Celestial Toymaker (part 4)

Let's get this over and done with.

At least the moving pictures are back again. The hopscotch set looks curious, but when you can see the robot from earlier, it looks cheap and dull. The moving pictures giveth, the moving pictures taketh away...

Steve and Dodo have to beat Not Billy Bunter (not even close, honest, its a coincidence, don't tell Frank Richards) on hopscotch, which is also electrified. Frank Richards, incidentally, holds a spot in the Guinness Book of Records for writing over 100 million words, a record this attempt to break will fail on if we get anymore stories like The Celestial Toymaker! On writing one of the earlier copies of the Book, before he was shot, Ross McWhirter quipped that Richards "enjoyed the benefits of not being married"!

Michael Gough gets to move but is still acting in an empty room. Michael Gough and a random hand are trying to make their game life or death but its very hard to make this magical Mahjong game look threatening.

Have you ever played Mahjong? I have, and I was dire at it.

Steven and Dodo play hopscotch and even Jackie Lane's face nearly trips her at this mediocre stuff.

"I think I'm going to enjoy this game", says Dodo who immediately takes out Steven, sending him to the back of the queue.

"Only 72 moves to go," says the Toymaker.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

As it is Episode 4, The Toymaker gives The Doctor back his voice.

Dodo is scared by a stupid mask. Its Billy Bunter cheating.

The Toymaker threatens Steven.

"Do I get a second turn for a six?"

"Certainly not."

OK, that raised a smile.

Michael Gough is pleading for William Hartnell to act with him so he doesn't have to keep acting to a wall.

The villain pretends to hurt his foot, so Dodo takes the Idiot Ball and goes to check he's OK. This means she has to go back to the start, and so Not Billy rushes forward, slipping on his own trap and getting exploded.

It's very badly caught by the camera.

He forgot about his own trap 30 seconds after placing it,

The Doctor is the smartest person in this game by saying nothing.

Dodo wins the game and immediately nearly falls into the electrified floor celebrating.

William Hartnell is back though. Hooray.

The Doctor and friends are united but the TARDIS wont move due to the fact that it cant move until the last move of the Trilogic Game and on the last move of the Trilogic Game, this entire universe ceases to exist, including the Doctor and friends. Which leads us to the best bit in the entire story:

DOCTOR: What have you done? Stop meddling with my ship!

TOYMAKER: It isn't what I have done, but what you have not done. You must finish the game. You cannot leave here until you have.

DOCTOR: Your infantile behaviour is beyond a joke. No. Of course, I mustn't. You very nearly caught me then.

TOYMAKER: Make your last move, Doctor. Make your move.

DOCTOR: But if I do, this place vanishes.

TOYMAKER: And then you have won completely.

DOCTOR: And if this place vanishes, then the Tardis and the rest of us, will vanish also.

TOYMAKER: Correct. That is the price of success. Make your last move, Doctor. Make your last move.

Its about 30 seconds in 90 minutes but it is a crumb to hang onto. It doesn't stop Toymaker being the weakest story of the Hartnell era so far, however.

The Doctor mimics the Toymakers voice. The TARDIS takes off.

Meanwhile in the TARDIS, Dodo still has Cyril's sweets so the Doctor takes one and grimaces in pain. Much like I did suffering through The Celestial Toymaker.