Colombo Episodes Ranked (Part 2)

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

 Last time we saw the least good. This time, let's move up to the C list of Columbo. Those episodes which don't work, for a variety of reasons, but have enough in them to be enjoyable watches if they are on TV. Some might be quite bad, but amusing. Some might fail on a basic plot principle. Some might just miscast badly a crucial role. 

Sorry, George Wendt, I know all of those refer to your episode but I'm not picking on you. Honest.

Some even might have gone in Part 1 if not for one thing which raises them from the bottom rank.

Without further waffle, the flawed diamonds in the rough of Columbo!

 ADVERT - If you like this article, you can follow Michael on BlueSky, YouTube, Soundcloud or Instagram, or send some Irn Bru or bill paying funds via the donation button. Every little helps. Thanks!

52. Short Fuse

Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police, and he said he'd send over his very best man.

Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second-best, but, uh... She claims there are eighty fellas tied for first.

While there are moments to like in this one, Roddy McDowall is far too over the top, and the tale itself is a dull one of corporate intrigue and explosions. I like Columbo’s first appearance, at the foot of the stairs, waiting for the killer, even as he sets up his own alibi. But there’s far too much “me, a killer?” style acting in this one. The best bit is the Gotcha, as the killer frantically tries to pick up the cigars on the cable car.  But you have to travel a long way to get to that point. 

51. Murder: A Self Portrait

 

An artist murders his wife, who lived with him and his current missus in a ménage a trois. The motive was that she was getting therapy, which was revealing she had dreams about him committing a murder years previously. The dream sequences are effectively shot, but this one is a bit too meta for my liking. And Patrick Bachau is rather one note as the artist murderer. He also makes too many obvious errors, just so they can be clues. 

50.  A Deadly State of Mind

"You know something, Lieutenant? You're a marvellously deceptive man. You know, the way you get to the point without really getting to the point."

There is a line of thought that Dr Mark Collier is actually one of the nastiest villains in the shows history. Played by the suave George Hamilton, Collier doesn’t immediately bristle like Milo Janus or Dr Barry Mayfield, or have the cold inhumanity of Paul Gerard. And yes, the first murder is an accident, and the victim an utter arsehole. 

However, let’s look at what he does here. 

He’s a psychiatrist to the rich, using hypnotherapy. He uses these skills to become the intimate confidante of troubled rich Nadia, whose past life is only hinted at but seems quite nasty. 

He uses those skills in hypnotherapy to charm his way into this damaged woman’s bed. The husband finds out about the affair, attacks the wife, and is killed in a three way fight. (Like I said, Carl Donner is a sod, too.) 

Collier then hypnotises Nadia into giving him an alibi, and coerces a colleague into covering for him. All the while, he’s planning Nadia’s own death. 

The scenes where she is overcome by the trigger word hidden in her own therapy and hypnotised, jumps to her death, are horrific. Of all the people involved in Columbo murders she is one of the most sympathetic, as you never sure how much she is aware of events, and Lesley Ann Warren plays it as though the answer is not much. None of the men in her life treat her well, instead using her for their own ends and then disposing of her. Luckily, her death provides Columbo with the evidence to charge Collier, as, even with Columbo himself being used as the alibi, he finds the clues that prove the bad doctor was responsible. He even gets to roar at the covering colleague. And the gotcha is most satisfying, as Mark Collier hangs himself on his own petard on a case of hubris and mistaken identity

Columbo is also at his finest, sympathetic when needed, but quietly collecting the evidence against his man.

So why so low? Well, unfortunately, my suspension of disbelief is gone at the main concept, where someone is hypnotised to kill themselves!

49. Prescription Murder

"You know, cops, we're not the brightest guys in the world. Of course, we got one thing going for us: we're professionals. I mean, you take our friend here, the murderer. He's very smart, but he's an amateur. I mean, he's got just one time to learn. Just one. And with us, well, with us, it's - it's a business. You see, we do this a hundred times a year. I'll tell ya, Doc. That's a lot of practice."

The first Columbo story, the pilot itself. 

A doctor murders his wife, then stages contretemps at an airport with his lover (disguised as the wife) to give himself an unimpeachable alibi. By the time he gets back from his holiday, his wife’s murder has already been discovered. 

And as he walks into his apartment, and relaxes, suddenly, from the bathroom, out walks a policeman.

Prescription Murder may not have dated as well as other early Columbo stories, but its importance can not be overstated. If it doesn’t work, you don’t get the McGoohan or Culp or Cassidy stories, or the Sky High IQ Club murder. 

Peter Falk’s entrance into the world, just when the killer thought he was home and dry, is straight out of An Inspector Calls, and even with the character rough around the edges, he commands the screen immediately with his attention to detail and off-putting scatterbrain act. 

He’s also willing to threaten witnesses. This is a harsher Columbo when we are used to, but like William Hartnell in that unaired pilot, Peter Falk would quickly get the character and turn it into the hero we all know and love. 

48. Greenhouse Jungle

We had seen in Death Lends a Hand (still to come on this list) that Ray Milland could easily fit his specific brand of tragic authority into the Columbo universe. Here he goes from mourner to the chief villain of the piece, only to find the script less than amazing. 

Milland goes full unlikeable, snarling, putdowns, but this makes the idea his niece-in-law would ever trust him. 

And never mind her, what about Tony? Popular TV regular Brad Dillman gives his all as the naïve nephew, but the character must go down as one of the most gullible in the show’s history. He fully trusts his uncle (who he has had a rocky relationship with), trusts him with a loaded gun, and even sets up his own alibi for him. At least in the similar set up of dodgy uncles and money that is Death Hits the Jackpot, we’re outright told that Uncle Leon is the only person Freddy would trust in that position, because Leon has been his parental figure since childhood, making the betrayal all the worse. 

Here, it not only hurts Tony, it hurts Sgt Wilson’s credibility to fall for all of Jarvis’s schemes. 

In the Gotcha, Columbo credits Wilson for his help, however unwittingly, and if only the script gave him as much respect. Luckily, Sgt Wilson would return, because the chemistry between Peter Falk and Bob Dishy is incredible, and by far the highlight of the story. Through Falk and Dishy pretty much alone, you can sense Columbo slowly warming to this try hard but inexperienced young policeman who looks up to him. Falk in fact wanted Dishy to be a regular sidekick, but alas, it was not to be. When he returns, the inexperience and Dr Watson takes are still there, but they remember to add the intelligence to the character, and he proves crucial to the take down of a Nazi. (More on that later. MUCH later.) 

With a handicapped lead villain, gullible characters, and a Gotcha which veers into the dull, Greenhouse Jungle is one of the more forgettable Columbos. Which is a shame, as Peter Falk’s tumble down the hill, the Columbo/Wilson partnership, and his kindly destruction of Ken’s duplicity all belonged in far better tales.

47.  Double Exposure

This one gets points for the overly complex murder, where Robert Culp uses subliminal messages in his film to make his victim rush out of the theatre to get a drink, where he is gunned down. It also gets points for the way he changes the barrel of the gun he used. And of course, for Robert Culp himself, always very angry. 

It loses points for the way his alibi requires him to change what he usually does with his tape recorder, which is a clue so blatant Colombo is focused on one person alone early on. It loses points for a scheme so obviously only one person could achieve, that even the technician twigs and tries to blackmail him.

The scene where Columbo assures the victim’s wife she is not a suspect because, if she had killed her husband, her alibi wouldn’t be so rubbish, is amusing, but this overall is a lesser event.

46. Requiem for a Fallen Star

Anne Baxter shines as a former Hollywood great with a shady past. A twistier episode than most, its hard to talk about without spoiling the twist. That said, the Gotcha was done better in a weaker episode (Blueprint for Murder). 

45. Make Me A Perfect Murder

This one has an excellent moment where Trish van der Vere's spurned TV executive murders her ex. Her alibi requires her to be somewhere else. She has four minutes to get back there and, as her own audio tape of the countdown nears zero, we follow her in real time back to the projection room. 

It’s a shame this excellent scene is an outlier in a rather dreary tale. 

Once once, the moment Columbo twigs that security had locked all the doors, then the only person who didn’t have someone in the room with them at the time of the shooting, had to have done the shooting. There is also a typical Columbo gambit involving the gun which Der Vere walk right into. 

Her lack of nous shown in the killing, and in her sacking from the station over her decision making (apparently her victim was right) adds up to making her belief she can beat Columbo in court all the more ludicrous.

44. A Matter of Honour

My mum’s favourite episode. I put this more down to her love of Ricardo Montalban (Khan from Star Trek) than the riveting plot. It does say a lot about toxic masculinity that, having shown fear once in his life, Montoya would rather kill his most trusted friend than be outed as having shown any emotion. Death by bull is unique within the series, indeed within the crime genre, but there’s little else to go on. After all, if you were to kill someone, why choose a manner of death in which, should it be proven not to be accidental, the list of plausible suspects starts and ends at you alone? The camaraderie between Columbo and Commandante Sanchez is fun, at least. But there’s not much in this slim volume.

43. Lovely but Lethal

Martin Sheen shows up, but no sooner have you cheered, than he’s been bumped off. This sums up the strange casting choices in a story where Vincent Price is there (but only for a few scenes) and Vera Miles is cast as a Columbo killer, but with very little character of interest. That it is about a miracle wrinkle cream and people fighting for the rights to get rich off it is also a plot which struggles to catch my interest. The high number of interesting casting choices, plus a few blackmail related plot turns, mean its not a bad episode. It just feels like it should have been much better. It’s also an early directorial role for Jenanot Szwarc, a regular behind the scenes presence who didn’t stop working on US TV over the night fifty years.

42. Strange Bedfellows

You knew it was coming!

"No, Lieutenant, there is no "just one more thing." Goodbye!"

This script requires Graham McVeigh, in the process of setting up his brothers murder, to take on the disguise of a mysterious dodgy man who frames a local mob bookie. 

This is hurt considerably when you cast George Wendt, Norm himself, as McVeigh. Now, George Wendt is a fine comic actor. A sitcom legend. What he doesn’t do is blend into a crowd anonymously. So the disguise looks like George Wendt in a disguise. Because it is. 

Entirely miscast in the role, he still tries his best, and his increasing panic as he realises he has bitten off more than he can chew with the mob is the episodes best touch. 

Also, a villain who refutes the “one more thing” play book of Columbo. About time!

I quite enjoy this one, though that's because it's such a mess, it's hilariously entertaining. It's not great TV, but it's going to entertain much more than the worthy but deadly dull Dead Weight.

Rod Steiger is also a joy as the local Mafia Fat Tony type, though opinion is mixed on the trick Columbo plays with the aide of Steiger’s Fortelli. I can understand it destroying the episode for some. 

For me, the episode was already struggling with the miscasting. And he insane plot McVeigh has. So many holes it could be Swiss cheese. That Gotcha scene revels in its own audacity. 

I’m more appalled Columbo claims he can’t speak Italian!

PLOT TWIST SPOILER FOLLOWS.

It's an obvious plot twist, but a plot twist none the less, so if you've not seen this story, feel free to jump to number 40...

41. A Bird in the Hand

Your enjoyment of this story will be made or broken by your love of Tyne Daly. 

She gets all the moments to shine as the only suspect in a Whodunnit, the trophy wife of a billionaire. She uses her own nephews murder plan, to bump off her own husband and pesky in law. 

That is a spoiler for a plot TWIST, but as I said, she is the only other speaking part with the means, motive and opportunity in the story, so A Murder is Announced, this is not. 

Luckily, even if she does over gurn somewhat in climatic scenes (which I suspect was requested by production), Daly is a match for the script, producing a fun madcap portrayal of the "grieving" alcohol fuelled widow/killer. 

Less fun is the red herring, Harold McCain, played by Greg Evignan, who is a Columbo killer by numbers. The dour gambling playboy we’ve seen too many times. Evignan gives little to the role. 

This story does however produce five things of note. 

First, the murder victim is called Big Fred. That amuses me. 

Second, his right hand man and fixer is played by the late great Don S Davis, of Twin Peaks and Star Gate fame. Davis, as well as being a great person, would excel in these small roles that need gravitas, and he does his best to make this story considerably better. He believes uttermost in Dolores innocence. We needed someone like that to ground the story. If only he had better material to work with. 

Third, the death of the poor gardener is a truly shocking scene. Harold knows what is going to happen, but prefers to avoid jail time, and lets the gardener die. Columbo looks genuinely horrified at what has happened. It’s the stand out scene in this tale. Leon Singer imbues Fernando the Gardener with great sympathy, so little wonder this accidental murder is often brought up as one of the most memorable, and saddest, scenes in the Columbo comeback era. 

Fourth, it’s Frank McRae as a detective! He doesn’t get nearly enough TV time here (they’ve got 2 hours to work with and even then…) but that’s always awesome. 

Fifth, the title is great, because it fits into the Gotcha. 

In general, there are things to enjoy about this story, but you have to get through a lot of padded dross with the mulleted pillock (TM Columbophile, I'm still laughing!) first.

40. Ransom for a Dead Man

Leslie Williams: You know, Columbo, you're almost likable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shop worn bag of tricks.

Lt. Columbo: Me? Tricks?

Leslie Williams: The humility, the seeming absent-mindedness, the uh, homey anecdotes about the family: the wife, you know?

Lt. Columbo: Really?

Leslie Williams: Yeah, Lieutenant Columbo, fumbling and stumbling along. But it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that, more often than not, he's successful.

Lt. Columbo: I appreciate that compliment, Mrs. Williams, and I particularly appreciate it coming from you.

This is Columbo in embryonic status. You can see the character grow by the minute in this story of a murder disguised as a kidnapping. The way he is overlooked by the FBI agents only to trump them is the defining part of the genesis of the show. The murder itself when it is revealed to be one... is one with only one suspect so not the most taxing of cases for the Lieutenant. 

It is lifted however by the energetic performance of Lee Grant, at every angle, an equal to Columbo's smarts. She drives him insane. There's a funny scene where she makes the most of Columbo's fear of flying by getting him to fly a plane. She astutely sums up Colombos guile, yet falls for the blackmail ploy of her stepdaughter who is the weak link in the story. Still at the end she sums up the proof against herself, and says she believes she'll go free after the court case yet. You would be fool to bet against it.

39. Negative Reaction

Dick Van Dyke as a Columbo bad guy. 

Yeah, right, how is that going to work? 

Surprisingly well, actually, as one of the most beloved actors of all time provides surprising depths to his talents, utterly convincing as a nasty womaniser who murders his own wife and then tries to blame the death on a patsy, recently released from prison. 

"I have this... "dream", Frances. I'm working, and there's a phone call, and he says, "Terribly sorry, Mr. Galesko, but... your wife's dead. Unfortunate accident," and then I always wake up, and I want to cry. Because you're still alive, Frances, and I have nothing to face that day, but another twenty-four hours with a domineering, nagging, suffocating woman who took all the joy out of my life."

In true Death on the Nile sense he even shoots himself in the leg! 

It’s all the little things that make Columbo suspicious of Paul Galesko, like not noting down where the drop off was to be (because he already knew it), and a number of little things less experienced homicide cops might not have noticed. 

The Gotcha is a cheat, and Columbo knows it, but it does completely prove Galesko’s guilt. But so does his continual need to cite his professional knowledge over the common sense to keep quiet. It’s familiar to another, Donald Pleasance starring episode which is ranked far higher. But you’ll enjoy this one. Especially if you haven’t seen it before, don’t be put off by the casting, its inspired. 

I also like the scene where Columbo breaks down his superiors belief it’s a closed case with just enough little bits of doubt. It’s a scene that would fit into 12 Angry Men, and you can see how inspired Steven Moffat was by Falk here, in his Doctor Who scripts.

This is also the story where Larry Storch has a one scene cameo as a driving instructor driven to nervous breakdown by Columbo’s driving. It’s also the one where Columbo is mistaken for a homeless man (a bit of Columbo extended humour which is actually funny, a rarity at times!) and his witness forgets a crucial detail because they’ve sobered up. Gold.

38. By Dawns Early Light

It's Patrick McGoohan! The first of four times we'll "be seeing you" on this countdown.

The set up for this one is well done, with Patrick McGoohan’s Rumford killing off a threat to his military school. His motive and genuine belief he is doing the best for his country makes him a villain from the Malcolm Hulke school. 

His downfall comes entirely from his own character. Once he spots that illicit booze, he has to track it down, even as it kills his own alibi. 

And even as Columbo kills off his original theory (Rumsford was the intended target) for the only other one that works (Rumsford is the killer), he clearly retains some level of respect for the guy. 

All the clues are there, the performances are great, and Columbo gets to do some great detecting. 

It’s just a bit joyless and dull. McGoohan and Falk became the best of friends working here, and would work together many times in the future. Sometimes, it produced gold, such as in Identity Crisis or Ashes to Ashes. Other times, these two super talented but egotistical greats would change and tinker the story till it fell apart. 

And, by marking this perfectly decent (if lifeless) story the worst of the McGoohan as murderer stories, under the more in your face flamboyant ones,  I’m not helping the case for the "less is more" argument either. 

37. The Most Crucial Game

This is best known for Robert Culp disguising himself as an ice cream man. It also allows Robert Culp to do some of his best angry acting. The problem is that, despite giving us a great Robert Culp look of fear, by the end of the episode, Columbo hasn’t proven a single thing against Culp, except that his alibi is wrong. 

Nothing that would stand up in court, as Columbophile correctly points out. This leaves the episode feeling rather hollow. 

They also do not spell out the motive, though Culp’s clear interest in the young widow suggests one.

 Worst of all, this is a clear waste of Dean Stockwell. 

36. Fade into Murder

The crux of this is the interaction between Peter Falk and William Shatner. The two great egos of US TV combine with great chemistry, and everyone notices the thinly disguised metaphor that Shatner is playing Peter Falk himself. 

The mystery itself is rather thin on the ground. 

Also, while having those two legends interact is great fun (as is Columbo bumbling onto the TV set), the halfway point, when Shatner starts playing his detective and trying to uncover his own crime in the third person, needed another go on the script. As it is, I haven't a clue what's going on there.

Yes, I've ranked Shatner's return, in the nineties, higher. I did not call that happening when I started out on this.

This concludes the C list of Columbo, and from now on, everything gets a B grade (or 7/10, for those at home) at worst. 

We've not seen fan favourites like Any Old Port in the Storm, or A Stitch in Crime, or Murder by the Book yet. We've also yet to see Johnny Cash, Milo Janus, killer dogs, college kids, chess grandmasters, nor even Clive Revill's hilarious Irish accent. 

Next time - yet more Shatner! The greatest cast of all time! A last hurrah for an aging detective! IRA gun smugglers, angry food critics, and the man with the most punchable face in all of Columbo.