The mistake was not watching all sixty-nine episodes of Columbo, because that provided many hours of great TV watching. And also Peter Falk saying the word "panties" seven times in a row, but you can't have it all.
The mistake was mentioning this to friends who asked how I would rank those episodes.
Never ask an obsessive to produce a list based on quality. Case in point, I was asked about this in February!
Since then, I did what a responsible research addicted non-writer would do. I rewatched all sixty-nine episodes. I marvelled over Jack Cassidy. I sobbed with Janet Leigh. I tried desperately to derive greatness from that bloody Commodore. And, as I watched each episode, I wrote some quick fresh notes on each story.
From those notes, I gave you this list. Succinct being my enemy, I've had to cut this into a few parts. Also, much like Doctor Who, the biggest crime for me in TV is being dull. This might explain in advance why some stories from the seventies which are worthy but snooze worthy rank lower than some of the flawed but entertaining car crashes.
So without further preamble, here we go!
Can’t someone please stop Peter Falk saying the word panties? That
finale is painful to watch. The script, and, weirdly also Peter Falk, both treat
Columbo as an idiot in this story. As do his own assistants in the police.
But even he’s at least more credible than the sister of the
deceased. “I hate you because I thought you killed my sister, no wait, you only
shot her corpse, it was only attempted murder, man, AM I HORNY OR WHAT?”
Let us never speak of this monstrosity again, lest the ghost
of Peter Falk appear and start talking about panties again…
68. Last Salute to the Commodore
Tisnt. Never has one word spread so much dread in the heart of Colombo fans the world over. Long held up as the worst episode of the series, there are fleeting moments of glory which prevent that fate. The twist around Robert Vaughn's shady character, that turns the story into Columbo’s first whodunnit, for example. Or the lovely moment of Peter Falk rowing out to sea. These moments can't prevent Last Salute being the worst Columbo episodes of the original run, however. We will see with Identity Crisis how the combination of Falk and Patrick McGoohan could produce spell binding TV. Here we see what happened when no-one roped in their excesses. The nasty old commodore is murdered and everyone gets too hands-on with the main female suspect, including our hero. Peter Falk goofs up more, seemingly to distract from the plot falling off the ropes, but only serves to to infuriate. Worse, it’s dull, as seen in the interminably long explanation of the Commodores watch which gives away the killer, and is delivered as though it were a nitpicking analysis of the Christie finale by Mark Lawson.
Robert Vaughn is his usual great self. He did not
reserve to have this on his CV.
67. No Time to Die
The niece-in-law of Columbo is kidnapped on her own wedding
day, and its down to our gun totting lead to save her before she is raped and
murdered by a crazed stalker. Does that sound like a Columbo story to you? It
does not, because it is an Ed McBain book that Peter Falk bought the rights to, without reading. The story is both too gritty and too grim for the shows
oeuvre, and again, Columbo wields a gun. Just…no.
And yet, I was almost tempted to say "still better than the Bond film".
66. Grand Deceptions
Made the mistake of re-watching this one recently. So incredibly boring. I lost track of why the murder was happening, and why the other people were
shagging. Lucky for Columbophile’s excellent blog! A dour, long, dull murder
story, involving people too stereotyped to be interesting.
65. Undercover
On the bright side, this one has a strong cast doing their
best with the material. On the down side, there is the material. Based on an Ed
McBain book called Jigsaw, this chucks Columbo feet first into a story not
designed for him to be in. See Peter Falk threaten people with a gun, spend
hours playing fake undercover characters (one of which is seen through
immediately) and even see Peter Falk’s naked legs as he gets changed in the
back of a police car, in public, before a fellow cop yells “here’s your Mafia
costume, sir”.
Ed Begley Jr can’t be judged as a Columbo villain, because
he gets less than twenty minutes of screen time. His alibi (I can't have done all these murders, I was getting laid all of those times!) does amuse somewhat. Also, Tyne Daly lifts everything while she lasts.
On re-watching this, it led to an interesting discussion
with a friend about the use of a slur in the dialogue (one referencing mental handicaps)
and how language which once seemed common place can fall out of fashion as
people realise the negative connotations. And how even the 1990s is a lifetime
away in terms of progress, regardless of what modern politicians may attempt these days.
This discussion was more interesting than watching Undercover, which commits
the worst sin of all, worse than misusing the great detective.
It's bloody dull.
(It has however lifted from my provisional placing of last place, because I had forgotten how grim some of those ranked below it were.)
I had to watch all of these to get to the greats, you know. We'll remember this when we get to Murder by the Book!
64. Murder, Smoke and Mirrors
You know, the basic story of the director who let a cast member die, only for this ghost from the past to resurrect, was a decent enough idea. Look at Poker Face using it. The problem here is that the set up between two old friends, much of it told, not shown, is incredibly dull. There’s also a number of weird touches (Peter Falk in a ring master outfit, the whole Gotcha as curtain call) which undermine anything which works in the story.
Worst of all, I can never take Fisher Stevens as a credible Columbo killer. He seems woefully miscast in the role, and when Alex Brady is at all under the spotlight, the way he plots to save himself is among the most idiotic in the shows history.
Just watch the Poker Face episode.
63. Caution! Murder is Hazardous to your Health
In a recurring trend on this theme, none of the issues with
this story are down to George Hamilton, who plays the Columbo murder with
aplomb. It even starts with a murder, only that is a reconstruction done for
the Crimewatch/America’s Most Wanted style show our killer is the presenter of.
He murders a blackmailing producer with nicotine. The main witness is a dog,
which sadly can’t name our killer. Worse, while a lot of time goes to proving
that a video tape doesn’t produce an alibi, this does not prove that George
Kennedy murdered Clarke. It does prove that he had visited the man’s house
(providing there’s not other dogs missing claws in LA), but not WHEN. The story
just ends fruitlessly as a result.
62. A Trace of Murder
This one has an interesting set up, as the murderer is a crime scene forensic analyst. Despite this, his plan to frame the husband of his lover for murder has more holes than a Chibnall finale. The scenes of trying to get the forensic evidence onto Clifford's wedding suit are interminably long. And then, Columbo breaks that with circumstantial evidence.
It’s a a weird one, as all of Columbo’s evidence at the end (photos, body language) is largely superficial and you could imagine a Dale Kingston or Dabney Coleman having a case busting excuse here. Yet, both accomplices give in, and of course, Catherine Calvert’s talk with the DA seals the case.
I’m also confused by Columbo’s motivation. When discussing the case with Barney (a welcome cameo return) afterwards, the Lieutenant brings up the café scene, where Patrick Kingsley knew what Catherine used in her coffee without asking, as the moment he realised they were in it together, having already twigged the wife’s involvement. Despite this, he spent a lot of time around Patrick early on, to the point where he must have suspected something was off about the guy.
Either that, or tragically, Columbo thought he had made a new friend and really liked the guy.
That however adds a level of poignancy to A Trace of Murder that it probably doesn’t deserve or intend.
As the grumpy fatalistic grouch, Clifford is a fan favourite, but I find myself unmoved about his plight, because he doesn’t seem to care either. Also, is Seltzer is the dumbest victim since Greenhouse Jungle? He turned off the panic alarm in his own house to let a stranger into his living room, and then told the guy that he was alone, very rich, and had no one who would notice him missing all day. Many Columbo victims make us experience a whole range of emotions, from dislike to great sympathy. Seltzer was just fish in a barrel...
I will say one thing though, Shera Danese was much better cast here as the scheming Catherine. Although, Freudian wise, I now wonder what Peter Falk was trying to say about having her cast in the role of a woman plotting the downfall of her richer husband! Unfortunately, David Rasche (playing our murderer) is rather bland, and so even with a fair few things to speak in its credit (Peter Falk is in good form here), this story was rather bland too. A shame.
61. Dead Weight
When I re-watched this one, I discovered to my surprise I hadn’t seen it before. Either that, or I had wiped the entire thing from my memory.
Eddie Arnold’s villain isn’t very engaging, and while the set up of the woman on the boat who is an eyewitness is an intriguing one, we spend far too long watching the General try to get the lady to recant her testimony, by dating her. This is a lot of effort for little gain, because as soon as the police find the body, they can match the bullet in the body to the ballistics report on the General’s favourite weapon.
The gun he hasn’t even got rid of!
As a crime, this is relatively lightweight, and it suffers from actors brought down by mediocre material.
Unfortunately, the idea for a great scene doesn’t work in practice. A
seasick Columbo questions his subject while the suspect powers his motorboat
through the Californian waters. However, the roar of the boat’s engine drowns
out the crucial dialogue in this meeting of minds, meaning I had to bring up
the subtitles to make sense of it. This, alas, sums up the episode for me.
60. Blueprint for Murder
One of the issues many Columbo episodes have, which just prevents greatness, is a flaw in their internal logic. The gist of this story, with an evil architect goading Columbo into digging up the hiding place for the body of the murder victim BEFORE they are hidden there, is quite intriguing, though it meanders slowly to the point.
No, the main issue is the murder victim. Beau Williamson is a big brash tycoon who cares for no one and can defend himself when he is introduced. When faced with Markham’s gun, he quietly walks to his execution. This is not the same character, and when things change mid-story to get the plot working, it undermines the rest.
Which is a
dreadful shame, as Janis Paige brings great enjoyment to the screen as Goldie,
the ex-wife and behind the scenes power. She dominates the screen so much that she
even steals it from Patrick O’Neal, who would have a far smaller but impactful
role in Make Me a Perfect Murder. Oh, and the doctor interviewed is John Fiedler.
No matter the credits he had in 80 years of life, and he’s one of the 12 Angry
Men, anything he says is instantly Piglet. Sterling Holloway had much the same
issue as Winnie the Pooh.
Also worth of note, this episode was directed by Peter Falk.
He kept asking for one to direct so they gave him the most difficult one.
59. Sex and the Married Detective
Who knew Columbo investigating a flirtatious sex therapist
could be so dull? Lindsay Crouse dresses up as the fictional Lisa to bump off
her business partner/lover. Peter Falk does his bashful acting. This is not very
good.
58. Dagger of the Mind
Honor Blackman was genuinely a great actress, but this might
be the single worst performance I have ever seen from her. Columbo goes to
London, and the Adam West Batman made London look more realistic. We have a
corrupt butler (who dies), a Lady MacBeth, and Columbo actively cheating to get
a confession. And lots of silliness. When our (accidental) killers first
reaction to meeting Columbo is to all but go “we didn’t do it”, and there’s an
hour still to go, you are in for a slog.
57. Mind over Mayhem
“Father loves son.” So says Columbo in his big reveal. If
only there’d be more showing of this fact, rather than telling. The
relationship between father and son is so antagonistic that the murder seems
more to protect the father’s reputation than the son. Which makes this
eleventh hour change feel unrealistic. Also, the killer leaves his cigar at the
scene of the crime for no reason other than to be caught. That’s such a weak
plot hole that it torpedoes the entire story. Robbie the Robot also shows up. I
like the genius kid being named Steven Spielberg, however, a tribute to the then young director who had
worked on Murder by the Book.
56. Murder with Too Many Notes
At the risk of repeating myself, what little there is to enjoy here comes from the casting of Billy Connolly. The Big Yin is a legend, though not a natural Columbo murderer, and yet he does his best to make the most of his role, and lifts the dialogue.
Although, he does shoot evil looks to the camera a tad too often.
Unfortunately, this is a story of great excess, the partnership between Peter Falk and Patrick McGoohan (directing), which had created so many classic Columbo stories together, indulging in their own whims and vices to the detriment of the story.
That scene where Columbo makes Findlay Crawford drive slowly takes nearly ten minutes. I fast forwarded through it on this occasion as it is interminable. The scene where Columbo gurns his way through famous music scores like a five year old, equally interminable. And this sort of silly hijinks between star and director detours the entire story.
At
heart, it’s a basic Columbo tale. A composer doesn’t want his protégé to take
the plaudits for their latest score (written entirely by the protégé) so he
murders him. Columbophile mentioned an issue I have, that having poisoned young
Gabriel, Billy Connolly is able to hoof the man from his house to the roof of
the studio in broad daylight without anyone noticing. On the day before a busy
production! It’s just lazily plotted. The protégé conducts on the roof solely
to provide a murder scene. The old lift is used so Columbo can work it out.
Crawford covers none of his tracks.
And yet, this was the first Columbo I saw, and I continued to watch more of them!
Now, before we move on, let's all look evilly at the fourth wall...
55. ... and the Murder of a Rock Star
I bet you think I am about to say: this story is a mess but Dabney Coleman is really good in his role and deserved a better script.
How cynical you are!
And accurate.
Coleman is the only person trying in this story where he murders his rock star girlfriend and tries to frame her absolute idiot of a lover for the crime. The scenes where Coleman puts on a ludicrous disguise and then slowly stalks the couple are quite eerie, as is the look he gives Marcy before the discretion cut appears.
Peter Falk’s wife, Shera Danese, has one of her biggest Columbo roles here, as an accomplice.
She’s not very good.
All the stuff about the photo for the alibi is very dull. And again, Columbo has proved that a car was parked on the street near the beach house, but I remain unconvinced he has proved when this was.
Unless Trisha Fairbanks cracks
off screen, the undefeated defence lawyer Hugh Creighton will likely defend
himself successfully here.
54. Columbo Goes to the Guillotine
Some Columbo episodes fail on a singular issue.
For this one, I cannot accept that Columbo would willingly place himself in the way of a guillotine to entrap a murderer. He is relying on the person not realising he switched the safety tabs. That is far too insane a risk to take.
While he
lasts, before being brutally murdered (as is seemingly in his contract for
every major appearance) Anthony Zerbe steals the show as a James Randi character with a dodgy past. Which is another issue. The murderer shouldn’t be less
interesting than the murder victim!
53. Uneasy Lies the Crown
This episode annoys me. It was originally conceived as a potential Columbo story eighteen years previously, only to be vetoed by Peter Falk’s mother, who disliked the idea of a killer dentist. As did I, when I realised I had watched this episode a week before getting a double filling! (Luckily, as far as I know, my dentist is not a gambling murderer!)
In 1990, the writer of the script (Steven
Bochco) was far more famous, the re-boot of the series needed stories in a
hurry, and so it turned back to this rejected script from the 70s. In between,
it had been used as a story for another show altogether, Macmillan and Wife. And
this backstory, as the unwanted script used in an emergency, really shows
throughout this under baked story.
Our main problem is with the villain. There’s no issue with being unlikeable, hell, many of the best Columbo murderers are utter sods we can’t wait to see the good Lt bring down. There is an issue with them being thick, or changing their characterisation for the sake of the plot.
The murder plot here attempts to be Christie-esque, but has so many holes that it relies on dumb luck to advance. Wesley Corman is being divorced by his rich but sick wife, to his father in laws glee. He plots revenge by murdering his wife’s new beau, Adam, via delayed release digitalis overdose in a crown filling at his dental appointment.
So far, so nice.
Then he plans to use this to frame his
wife for the crime, and cover up her misdemeanours, therefore gaining trust
back with his father in law and keeping his cash flow coming. This relies on our Adam
being exactly in the one place he needs to be eight hours later. It also relies
on the wife, Lydia, phoning Wesley at his alibi poker game, and so he rigs up her
phone so that when she tries to phone 911, it phones the apartment the poker
game is at.
He then doesn’t twig that, even if you change this after the
fact, phone companies keep records.
This is covered, briefly, by the idea that Corman is a compulsive gambler.
He gambled on everything going to plan, and it did.
He gambles on horses.
He gambles on talking too much to Lt Columbo, because, in a
scene far too good for this story, he gets Columbo to admit both that he knows
Corman did it but also that he can’t prove it.
So this only makes the Gotcha, when Columbo fakes a science
experiment, and our murderer gives up even before the proof is shown, extra
weak. The whole story was set up so that he gambles on being right even with a
weak hand. Then, when he has a stronger hand, he gives up, because it’s the end
of the episode and the character needs to be defeated.
His attempt to frame his wife is also bodged badly. By
putting enough digitalis in the margarita mix, doomed Adam couldn’t have had
two of them, and then got to bed for his big exit, because it would have killed him
in seconds. This killer has been married to his wife for years – surely she must
know how dangerous digitalis is by the dose? As soon as it becomes clear that’s
planted, then the admission that Corman moved the body to protect Lydia becomes
an admission of murder and framing.
Annoyingly, you can see where this episode would have worked. The scene at the racing course between Columbo and Corman mentioned above is great. It gives Peter Falk something to work with, and allows James Read’s smug snake response to make him look briefly like a good villain. But his motivation is all down to money again. Stuart Wildig has suggested “if only he genuinely loved the wife”, it might have worked.
But it doesn’t.
Well there we go, the first seventeen of sixty-nine. These are the episodes which are the least of the show, and as such, the grumpier of the mini-reviews. However, in ranking the stories by greatness, this was the bridge we had to cross. From now on, every story has something to recommend it, even if it is a Gotcha scene you can watch on YouTube. Roddy McDowall, why ever do you think I am looking in your direction?
And so, the rest will follow soon. (Sooner than my usual promise, as I have made the precaution of having already written them!)
Next time - Columbo falls down a hill! A comedy legend turns in a surprisingly effective performance as a nasty murderer. A great performance is undone by a fine example of my suspension of disbelief failing. One of the most effective murder scenes in the series. All this, and Norm from Cheers! Next time!
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