Gerry and Innes kill off the historical, in one final flourish. We are also introduced to a Doctor Who icon, not that you'd know from this.
The Highlanders
(episode one)
I knew sod all about this story, incidentally. Jon Arnold speaks highly of it, Jamie joins the TARDIS crew, and a very young Hannah Gordon appears in it.
It's Scotland! Culloden Moor. And there's a fight going on. Young Frazer Hines drags a man to safety. Another man rushes a red coat and kills him. Lots of people battle.
I thought Gerry Davis was aiming to lighten the historical mood?
Then, bagpipe music plays.
The TARDIS lands soon after, and Polly knows where she is.
POLLY: But Doctor, we can't leave. This looks like England.
Cybernats, send your complaints to Polly, The Tardis, 1960s....
Elsewhere Kirsty is mending her fathers wounds from the battle, and as soon as she talks, well you can't tell its Hannah Gordon because she's exaggerating her accent. Gordon was only in her 20s here but she became a brilliant actress, with turns in Upstairs Downstairs and The Elephant Man. She killed Victor Meldrew! She's the red herring in an episode of Taggart, Fatal Inheritance, which starts with her arrest for a murder, and the camera follows her being dragged by the police down the stairs from her office, surrounded by all the important guest stars for the subsequent story - a remarkable bit of cinematography by Alan MacMillan. Suffice to say, Hannah Gordon is a seal of class on your production, so one immediately hopes for big things from her, even this early on.
The clans have been destroyed by the battle. Culloden was the last battle between the British government and the Jacobites, those who disagreed with the Revolution, and felt that the rightful King was the heir of James VIII. Bonnie Prince Charlie had got the various clans together, and, when he saw the way the wind was blowing, ¤¤¤¤ed off quickly to France, leaving the Scots to take the blame. The UK government quickly crushed the power of the Clan System, and butchered many of the survivors.
Through my Gran, I am a descendent of the Clan Cameron, and so had relatives killed when Charlie ¤¤¤¤ed off to leave them.
He was a bit of a ¤¤¤¤ tbh.
ALEXANDER: It's done. The clans are broken, shot to pieces by the English guns. Never had the chance to get to within claymore's length of them.
Anyhow, Alexander sounds like he's a camp Groundskeeper Willie.
The Laird isn't happy because he's very injured and everyone is dead.
Ben, Polly and the Doctor walk up to the cottage, where the Doctor calls their slogans "romantic piffle".
Cybernats, your complaints to Doctor Who, The TARDIS, the space and time vortex....
Because of this, Alexander and Jamie hold the Doctor hostage. How to win friends and influence people.
Kirsty instantly realises the Doctor could help her dad but everyone else wants to just kill him as she's only a simple girl and this is men's work. (These are the views of the characters, not your humble writer.)
Ben grabs a gun, and the Doctor decides to treat the Lairds wounds.
Ben accidentally shoots the gun.
BEN: It just went off.
ALEXANDER: You fool!
JAMIE: You'll have every English soldier within miles!
BEN: Well, what's wrong with that?
DOCTOR: What's? You should have paid more attention to your history books, Ben.
Ben has no idea what's going on.
Some English troops hear the shooting and go to the cottage.
Alexander has a great idea of running out of the cottage and yelling at the English soldiers, to distract them.
Alexander is shot dead seconds later.
I'm not entirely convinced he thought that plan through.
SERGEANT: Surrender in the King's name!
BEN: Blimey, it's good to hear a London voice again.
SERGEANT: Silence, you rebel dog.
BEN: Rebel? What are you talking about? I'm no rebel! Me and the Doctor here, have just arrived.
SERGEANT: Deserter, then. You'll hang just the same.
Ben's lack of historical nous is really doing for him right now. As is his intelligence. This guy out thought pirates and Cybermen a few weeks ago, now he's going "aright, mates" on a battlefield like Karl Pilkington, time traveller.
The Doctor tries to help things out by putting on a terrible, terrible German accent.
FFINCH: One of those confounded froggies that came over with the Pretender.
BEN: We ain't French. Are we?
DOCTOR: German, from Hanover. Where your good King George comes from. And I speak English a good deal better than he does.
SERGEANT: Hear that, sir. Treason! Shall we hang them now?
I say trying to help, I mean making things much worse. Ffinch orders the immediate hanging of everyone in the cottage.
Two posh men watch events from afar.
GREY: Not a very inspiring battle, would you say, Perkins?
PERKINS: Don't really know, sir. I've never seen one before.
GREY: This one was over in a brief hour. Never have I seen such brave fellows so poorly led. And now, Cumberland's troops are butchering the wounded. It's such a waste of manpower. A little wine, Perkins?
PERKINS: Oh, yes, sir. Quite ready for it, I am, sir. This sharp northern air, sir, gives one quite an appetite.
Grey is a profiteer, looking for quick slave labour to sell to a pirate for profit, under the guise of war.
He is an inhuman monster.
GREY: The wine was corked. If you wish to remain in my service, you'll have to be more careful, won't you, Perkins?
He's also a snob.
Kirsty and Polly return from their water finding mission to discover the English plan to hang their mates.
POLLY: Well, there must be something we can do?
KIRSTY: We can but mourn.
POLLY: Crying's no good. Have you still got breath to run.
Polly grabs some stones and starts throwing them at the English soldiers. Ffinch thinks it might be Bonnie Prince Charlie in disguise, because the alternative is an independent female character, which is clearly impossible, and so he goes off to arrest the Prince.
Polly and Kirsty run away. Ffinch and his men run up the hill.
DOCTOR: What a great devotion to duty your Lieutenant shows, Sergeant.
SERGEANT: Devotion to duty. Devotion to thirty thousand pound reward, that's all.
DOCTOR: You think he will catch them?
SERGEANT: That young whelp? Couldn't catch his own grandmother.
DOCTOR: Disrespect to your superior officer, Sergeant? I could report you.
SERGEANT: You could, but you won't.
DOCTOR: Ah, but at a price, Sergeant.
SERGEANT: You won't, cause you won't be here when he gets back. All right you scum, proceed with the hanging.
BEN: Well, you can't hang us with the officer away.
SERGEANT: Why do you think he went away? Got a delicate stomach, he has. Always leaves the dirty stuff to me.
History's a dirty job, you know. Just as well we don't have such widespread massacres these days.... (NB - This line from earlier this year managed to date badly even as it was self-referential...)
But before the Sergeant can hang everyone, Perkins and Grey arrive to take control of the prisoners. Perkins and Grey even save the Doctor after he quotes the Aliens Act to them.
In a cave, Hannah Gordon and Polly eat some biscuits, before Polly gets annoyed with Kirsty protecting her dad's ring.
POLLY: Please yourself! You're just a stupid peasant. I'm off to help my friends. You can stay here and guard your precious ring.
Starting to go off classist Polly tbh.
Polly then immediately falls into an animal trap. Pride cometh before a fall, eh?
Not much of note happened in this episode. So of course it low key introduced one of the most important characters in the shows history!
That's Jamie by the way, in case you thought I meant Algernon Ffinch.
The Highlanders
(episode 2)
NOTE: Another three month gap between writing up these episodes at the time. Work, life, and heatwaves got in the way. And the dread of returning to more of The Highlanders.
Anyhow, Polly fell into a trap after History-splaining the set up last time.
Kirsty immediately finds Polly and rescues her. That was a prime example of a cliffhanger for the sake of a cliffhanger.
POLLY: Even your dour Scots lassies must have played piggy-back.
Even in trouble, Polly has to condescend. This story is not doing great things for her image.
They then hide from some passing English soldiers.
Ffinch calls the soldiers idiots for losing two "lassies" and threatens them with a beating if he doesn't get his horse!
POLLY: Oh, not again. Didn't the women of your age do anything but cry?
Did Polly of this age do anything but moan? Though she has a point, this is a fairly rubbish role for a guest actor. And it's bloody Hannah Gordon too, who went onto be one of our great actresses. It'd be like casting Olivia Colman in a minor bit part...
(NOTES FOR AULD YINS: Olivia Colman was cast in a minor role in a 2010 episode of Doctor Who...)
Polly and Kirsty capture Ffinch in the animal trap.
After five interminable minutes of this, finally the Doctor shows up and gets a laugh. They're in a waterlogged prison in Inverness.
BEN: Yeah, well, I'm glad Polly's out of it. Why did we ever get mixed up in this, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I'm glad we did. I'm just beginning to enjoy myself. Down with King George!
Our trickster hero gets a huge cheer from the other prisoners for that.
Then the Doctor claims he's not for either side, he just likes hearing echoes!
Jamie wants to cut the Laird to heal his blood, Ben talks about germs, and the Doctor converses on Jamie's level to get his trust about star signs and contemporary 1700s medical knowledge.
The Doctor causes a scene to get the sentry back then claims to know of a secret plot which he needs to tell Grey about.
Ben then tells the prisoners it was a clever ruse, and gets his best line of the series so far:
BEN: Now don't you worry about him, mate, worry about us. See that line? Well, that's where the water level comes up to. And tonight is not my bath night.
Polly and Kirsty count Ffinch's money and go to Inverness. If they do anything interesting I'll let you know...
The solicitors meet with Captain Trask to have a talk about how they are the bad guys, and get in a line about black slaves.
The Doctor shows up and manages to talk Grey into handing him his own pistol. He then ties up Grey, and when Perkins shows up, the Doctor convinces him he suffers from headaches by banging his head off a table.
Ffinch convinces a soldier to get him out of the animal trap.
Trask releases Perkins and Grey. Ho ho ho, are we having fun yet?
Trask grabs Jamie and Ben from the cells as his slave prisoners for his ship. Ben suggests they make a break for it by swimming to shore, but Jamie can't swim.
Trask randomly throws a slave overboard to drown to show Jamie and Ben how tough he is. End of episode, at long last.
The Highlanders
(episode 3)
Trasks ship is called the Annabelle, which is an evil doll. Or a popular Traitors contestant.
Some Scottish prisoners try to kill Ben but Jamie and Colin stand up for him.
They meet Willy, who owned the ship till Trask took it over.
Polly and Kirsty have travelled to Inverness off screen so we don't have to hear Polly's moans about the necessity of privatised transport.
KIRSTY: But if they catch us.
POLLY: We still have a friend.
KIRSTY: Who?
POLLY: Algernon F-finch. Always assuming he's got out of that terrible pit.
I feel like this sums up Polly's part in the story so far.
They get captured but Ffinch is there.
POLLY: Algernon. Hey, wake up. Wake up, Algy.
FFINCH: Oh no!
SERGEANT: These two look like the rebels we were searching for yesterday, sir.
POLLY: What a nasty man. Tell him we're not, Algy, dear.
FFINCH: Oh, just a minute.
KIRSTY: Aye, we're old friends.
SERGEANT: I can see that.
He manages that line with as much "ooer Kenneth Williams" as you can imagine.
Polly and Kirsty convince Ffinch to tell them that Grey is in charge of prisoner transport.
Grey tells the prisoners that, if they only sign themselves to seven years work in the plantations, they'll be saved from execution.
Ben rips up the contract, and is knocked unconscious.
Gerry Davis trying to end the Dr Who historical here by producing the most insipid boys own adventure ever.
The Doctor interrupts Polly's meeting with Perkins dressed as an old washer woman. For reasons.
The Doctor helps Polly and Kirsty escape by outwitting Perkins yet again.
DOCTOR: Oh, you saucy girl.
Says the Doctor to Polly.
Meanwhile Trask decides to throw Ben into the water. Because its cliffhanger time.
Even I'm thinking of axing the historical stories by this point...
The Highlanders
(episode 4)
Ben has been thrown into the waters near Inverness. But somehow between episodes he has managed to untie himself hand and foot while submerged in the water, and then swim to shore.
Funny how this prime example of "get something out there to avoid the test card being shown" (TM Uncle Terry) produced one of the shows greatest series regulars. Not that you'd know it, from the five lines Frazer Hines has had so far!
Ben swims right into a guard and gives up, but its only Doctor Who in disguise, trying to give his mate a heart attack. Ben has more patience for this than most victims of Beadle's About.
The Doctor takes Ben off for a bite to eat.
Grey and Trask plot a bit.
GREY: I took you for a seaman.
TRASK: Why, that I am. I am! Trask'll get your cargo of little booties to Barbados, never fear. That's what really counts, lawyer. Not those dried up bits of parchment of yours.
GREY: Without these bits of parchment, we would all sail foul of the King's law.
TRASK: Law? What does the law or anyone care for those Highland cattle we carry?
GREY: Nothing. But to take these cattle safely to the slave plantations, before their strength is sapped by his Majesty's prisons, that takes skill and preparation.
TRASK: And what would happen to you and me if this trade were to be discovered to the Duke?
GREY: That will never happen, Trask.
The best bit is Perkins realising he is the third in this conversation, a dangerous spot to be in, and rapidly consenting that Grey spoke for his silence!
Ben scoffs a meal and then tells us how he dealt with the cliffhanger.
BEN: Well it's the old Houdini trick, duchess. You flex your muscles when they tie you up, then when you're ready, you relax them. Well that way you're half the size you were before. Get it?
As we all expected in advance, really.
The Doctor returns in his usual clothes which he found in a bin.
The Doctor and Ben plot to pass weapons through the porthole to the Highlanders so they can take over the ship.
The Doctor shows up on the Annabelle wishing to talk to Trask. The Doctor pretends he knows where Bonnie Prince Charlie (who betrayed my ancestors, I may have mentioned) is hiding, and while Trask wants to kill him, Grey seems opportunity for money.
Polly, Ben and Kirsty are all on the boat with weapons and find the porthole they can talk to Colin through.
It's a shame this episode is missing as you just know Hannah Gordon would want to have it on her highlight reel:
KIRSTY [OC]: Father, it's me. It's Kirsty. I'm here.
COLIN: (waking) Aye. Ah, I must be dreaming. Kirsty.
KIRSTY [OC]: Whist, keep your voice down.
COLIN: Where are you?
KIRSTY [OC]: I'm outside here, in a boat.
COLIN: My child, are you well? They havna harmed you?
KIRSTY [OC]: Father, I'm fine. And you?
COLIN: Better. A world better for hearing your voice.
Hmm. Or maybe not.
The Doctor tells Grey that Jamie is the Bonnie Prince, for ¤¤¤¤s and giggles.
Grey, being thick, thinks this is a possibility.
Grey opens the door to the prison, to find the Highlanders have been all armed and take over the ship. Shock. (Not Groundskeeper) Willy and Trask both stab each other.
Trask winds up in the Firth and Willy takes control of his ship again. Clearly it was just a flesh wound.
Grey is a prisoner, but Perkins remains on board the ship as he decides now is time to side with the Scots as they are heading for France and will need someone who can speak French!
Back on shore, the TARDIS crew bump into Ffinch, who reacts like he's Rishi Sunak having to do yet another Prime Ministers Questions.
Grey tries to turn this to his advantage, when the mention of slaving is brought up, but his contracts talk is upset by the Doctor (in his guise as a nobleman), Ben (English) and Jamie (a laird's staff) all denying it.
GREY: You're wasting your breath, Doctor. It was all perfectly legal. The rebels signed the contracts for transportation of their own free will.
DOCTOR: Contracts? I don't believe I saw any contracts. Did you, Ben?
BEN: No, I wouldn't know what they were.
DOCTOR: Or you Jamie?
JAMIE: Me? No.
GREY: A lie, Lieutenant. The contracts were signed, I have them right here in my
DOCTOR: So sad. Once a promising legal talent.
FFINCH: There is only one end for slave traders, Solicitor. I'm placing you under arrest.
And so Grey is sent off to be executed off screen. A grim end for a grim man.
POLLY: Wait. Algy, why did you do it?
FFINCH: A chance to put paid to a villain, ma'am.
POLLY: It wasn't just that, was it?
FFINCH: Not quite, ma'am.
POLLY: Thank you, Algy.
The day was saved because an Englishman had the hots for Anneke Wills.
Ffinch even gets a kiss from Polly for his troubles.
They find the TARDIS and, as Jamie is still with them, and in danger because interaction with the Doctor has turned him into a known rebel, Polly leads him by the hand into the TARDIS.
The Highlanders is painting Dr Who by numbers, four episodes of not much happening, in which we get a new companion, but one who knows of his spot in Dr Who lore as much as a whelk knows of Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
Still, next time it's B-movie insanity. And after that, a trip to the moon...
No comments:
Post a Comment