The Underwater Menace
(episode 1)
Right, let's get back to the Troughton era.
It's episode 1 of that story Official Fandom always told us was a bit naff, until Episode 2 got found and it got reappraised as "our kind of naff".
Still, four months on from Gerry Davis murdering the historical, let's see if some B-movie shlock can improve things.
Jamie is introduced to the TARDIS, and is sceptical about time travel.
DOCTOR: Nae man can tether time nor tide. Robert Burns.
JAMIE: Ay? Who's Robert Burns?
DOCTOR: Oh, I should have remembered.
POLLY: What?
DOCTOR: Well to Jamie, its 1746. Robert Burns wasn't born until 1759.
Well, I laughed.
The TARDIS lands and we get POV internal thoughts of the main characters. Polly hopes they've landed back in 1966. Ben sarcastically thinks what a great time it'd be to meet up with the Daleks! (I love Ben!) The Doctor excitedly hopes for dinosaurs. Good old Doctor Who!
Jamie thinks he's alone with three nutters, and taking on the English army was probably safer.
The TARDIS lands in a rocky bay.
Polly insists on guessing where they are, only to say Cornwall as its where they were last time they landed on Earth.
There's some volcanic rock nearby, and a dead volcano.
The Doctor decides its perfect time to have a sleep, while his companions rumble about the rocks.
Polly sees something or other and they go off to find it.
It's a cave opening in the rock face.
Ben and Jamie go for a bit of rock climbing, I think, and Polly is immediately kidnapped by a shadowy figure.
Ben and Jamie, and belatedly the Doctor, go after Polly.
Ben and Jamie are captured by a net.
(This is quite difficult to follow without the visuals so far, I'll be honest.)
The Doctor is captured too, off screen, and all four are dumped in a lift which goes below the sea.
Then they all pass out from the bends and are picked up by guards.
The four of them wake up in a compression chamber.
A guard takes the TARDIS team to a dining room where food is laid out. The Doctor nabs some of the food, then jumps in the way as the guard goes to hit a serving girl for this.
"Polly, you speak foreign, go and talk to them."
That actually happened.
Jamie tries Gaelic on the guard, to no avail.
Jamie exists so far to go "oh I don't understand all this".
The Doctor casually scoffing plankton as if its a treat is funny, however.
RAMO: We've been expecting you.
POLLY: He speaks English.
BEN: What does he mean, he's been expecting us? We didn't know we were coming ourselves.
RAMO: The living goddess Amdo sees and hears all.
DOCTOR: And she had a message about us? For you?
RAMO: Yes. She told us you would fall from the sky in time for our festival of the vernal equinox.
DOCTOR: And just what part are we to play in this festival of the vernal equinox?
RAMO: A very important part, I regret to say.
Troughton immediately jumps.
Ramo is played by Tom Watson, who was Taggart's first boss in the eponymous show, and can be seen on Iplayer right now in Jed Mercurio's 90s series Cardiac Arrest. Among many other credits.
Shark stock footage.
The Doctor instantly knows Professor Zaroff (whom we haven't yet met) is here, and he needs to speak to him. Before all four of the regulars are sacrificed to the local God.
Ara, the young girl from the early scene, tries to get a meeting with Zaroff "or Damon".
More shark stock footage. Baby shark....
Ara gives the Doctor's note to Damon, which reads "the secret will die with me". Damon is the great Colin Jeavons, Tim Stamper himself!
High Priest Lolem starts his sacrifice. Peter Stephens, who also played Cyril in The Celestial Toymaker, is really engaged in the B-movie aspects of this story, and of all the actors, has dialled his performance up to 11.
Luckily before anyone can be chomped by sharks, Zaroff appears to save the day and order the ceremony stopped.
The Doctor then tells Zaroff that he will only tell him the secret if he frees Jamie, Ben and Polly. Which he does.
DOCTOR: Now here you are, the greatest scientific genius since Leonardo, under the sea. You must have a fantastic story to tell?
ZAROFF: Perhaps I tell you someday, if you will live long enough to hear. Now this vital secret, what is it? I must know.
DOCTOR: I haven't got one.
ZAROFF: How dare you!
DOCTOR: But I'm sure a that great man like you wouldn't want a modern scientific brain like mine to be sacrificed to a heathen idol?
ZAROFF: You know I could have you torn to bits by my guards, yes?
DOCTOR: Yes.
ZAROFF: I could feed you to my pet octopus, yes?
DOCTOR: Yes.
ZAROFF: Well you have sense of humour. I too have sense of humour. I need men like you.
Hahahah. Well, it worked!
And this sums up the Dr Who and Zaroff relationship for the next four episodes.
Ah, Joseph Furst. He's having a ball. Note how when Peter Jeffrey chews scenery in Doctor Who, he's a glorious laugh. When Joseph Furst does it, we have to stress how he really was a good actor, as I did when my dad saw some of Episode 3 in my teens. "Well that's obvious", said the Auld Yin, "he's just having fun here."
And yes, he wakens up the show after a few episodes of snooze.
And incidentally, if you want to see Joseph Furst in something "worthier", he's in A Magnum for Schneider as Callan's first target. "I liked Schneider" said Edward Woodward, posthumously, and I think the same can be said for dear old Mr Furst here and there.
But especially here.
Ben and Jamie are sent to the mines. Meanwhile, Colin Jeavons has another plan for Polly.
DAMON: That surprises you, doesn't it?
POLLY: It's breathtaking. Oh, sorry. That wasn't meant to be a pun.
DAMON: No, not at all. No, I'm glad you're taking it like this. Some people get most upset when they find they're to have the operation.
POLLY: Operation?
FOREMAN: Well, of course. We couldn't send you out there without it. You'd drown.
POLLY: You're not turning me into a fish!
Yes, he plans to operate on Polly to turn her into a fish.
Mad scientists, lost underground liars, and people to fish operations.
This is ¤¤¤¤ing mental!
Zaroff tells The Doctor they are on Atlantis. Ara tells the Doctor that Polly is to be turned into a fish.
So he rushes off to save her.
Meanwhile Polly is strapped down into the operating table while Colin Jeavons advances on her with a huge needle.
Fish people, mad scientists, and a rather real feeling cliffhanger. Polly's genuine fear makes it more disturbing than a thousand Dalek jump scares.
Well, that was more like it. Nuts, but fun. If only it moved.
The Underwater Menace
(episode 2)
The pictures! They move! That hasn't happened since the Doctor had white hair and went "hmmm"!
Everyone is already in a good mood. By everyone, I mean me. But not Polly, about to be turned into a fish!
Zaroff shows off his laboratory, and the Doctor schmoozes with him, while sneakily cutting some wires.
Zaroff goes to his pet octopus tank (we don't see the octopus) and when Damon rushes in, Zaroff tells him off for interrupting when he is talking to his friend.
He means the octopus.
Damon insists Zaroff is using up the power, but Zaroff denies this. While this argument goes on, Troughton casually listens in, and gives this innocent face when both turn to see him, wire cutters in hand!
Meanwhile in the darkness, Ara helps Polly escape.
Damon rushes off to check on his prisoner.
ZAROFF: Oh no, Doctor, you are staying here with me.
DOCTOR: As your prisoner?
ZAROFF: Let us say as my guest.
They are such fun together.
And already I'm thinking of Damon as Zaroff's version of Mr Stamper.
The Doctor tries to understand Zaroff's plan for Atlantis, and slowly works out the science, all the while realising Zaroff is a few sentences short of a picnic, and leading us to the crescendo:
DOCTOR: Even supposing you succeeded, you know what will happen, don't you?
ZAROFF: You tell me, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Well, the water will be converted into superheated steam, the pressure will grow, and crack the crust of the Earth. Destroy all life, maybe even blow the planet apart.
ZAROFF: Yes. And I shall have redeemed my promise to lift Atlantis from the sea. Lift it to the sky! It will be magnificent.
DOCTOR: Yes.
ZAROFF: Bang! Bang! Bang, bang! That's all.
DOCTOR: Yes. Just one small question. Why do you want to blow up the world?
ZAROFF: Why? You, a scientist, ask me why? The achievement, my dear Doctor. The destruction of the world. The scientists' dream of supreme power!
Well, he wanted to know if Zaroff was nuts. Now, he knows!
But watch Furst. He starts off this scene normally and slowly collapses into deranged fantasy. It's a far more measured performance than given credit. (And once its measured, we can enjoy the OTT!)
In the mines, Jamie and Ben join up the team. They meet Jacko and Sean, two other prisoners who it hard to heard the dialogue of over the mining equipment.
A grumpy Damon tells the Doctor "the girl" escaped.
DOCTOR: Oh dear. How very frustrating for you.
He's so delighted.
They scavenge shipwrecks and convert survivors to fish.
The Doctor escapes with a smoke bombing.
Ara and Polly wander through caves. Someone is playing a possessed Dudley Simpson tune over this.
Sean and Jacko and Ben and Jamie have already escaped.
The Doctor hides in plain sight.
RAMO: Now what does Zaroff think about it all?
DAMON: Oh, he's furious, of course. Could upset his plans.
RAMO: He should not have interfered with the temple sacrifice.
DAMON: You've always hated him, Ramo. Why?
RAMO: He's a destroyer. He appeals to all that is base in our people. He should never have come to Atlantis.
DAMON: But without him, Atlantis will never rise again from the sea.
The Doctor gets Ramo to listen to him.
The mining quartet are lost in the tunnels.
The Doctor convinces Ramo about Zaroff's insanity and tries to get a meeting with Thous, the leader of Atlantis.
He uses an exploding pot to describe what will happen to Atlantis. Reminds me of Mrs Burns, my chemistry teacher.
Ben and Polly and Jamie meet up again. The tunnels lead between the mines, the temple and Zaroff's labs, and as thus, are insanely useful, but apparently no one else knows about them!
The Doctor and Ramo tell King Thous what Zaroff is up to, and Thous mulls this over, and then betrays them to Zaroff himself.
While a lot of fun, I will admit, characters are acting solely in ways to further the plot, and not through any agency of their own. There's no reason for Ramo to believe the Doctor other than to get him to see Thous, and none for Thous then to disbelief him other than to provide a cliffhanger. The mining subplot is very dull.
Patrick Troughton is a joy however.
The Underwater Menace
(episode 3)
ZAROFF: So you're just a little man after all, Doctor, like all the rest. You disappoint me.
I don't care what nineties adult fandom tried to tell us. I think Joseph Furst is an absolute hoot in this.
He's a bit annoyed at the Doctor's whole "tell the King about Zaroff's exploding planet/immortality" plan, and decides to give the Doctor and Zamo back to the High Priest for a sacrifice. And when the Doctor tells Zaroff that he has no issue with Tom Watson, the priest tells him he absolutely does!
But as King Thous looks into Zaroff's eyes, he seems to realise he's dealing with a mad man. It took him long enough...
And so Doctor Who faces execution for the 3rd or 4th time in this regeneration already.
Luckily, Ben is right behind the giant statue of Amdo and talks through it. Lolem, not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, gets everyone to close their eyes, and the Doctor and Ramo scarper.
The secret tunnels lead everywhere the plot might require the Doctor to be. Remarkably prescient.
Lolem tells Thous and Zaroff about the miracle. Even Zaroff knows this is bollocks. He mentions this to both, and sends Lolem off, but in doing so, destroys Thous's faith in Zaroff.
Also, there is no level of overacting possible that Joseph Furst can manage to look in the presence of Peter Stephens, who is powered 100% by renewable scenery chewing.
The Doctor sets up a strike with the fish people to starve Zaroff's men. The Doctor sends Jacko and Sean to talk to the fish people, while he plans to kidnap Zaroff, to stop him blowing up the world to gain immortality. You know, on Earth. (But it's exploded. Yeah, I know...)
Polly and Ara (who is now friends with Polly, as the script demands for the sole female guest cast member of the week these days) are walking round the market, where they find Patrick Troughton dressed up in fancy dress. Apparently he looks inconspicuous.
Some guards look for Polly, but an old lady protects her.
Troughton's act has Michael Craze corpsing up.
Zaroff appears in a mood, and the Doctor runs off.
Zaroff chases after him, and walks right into a trap.
The Doctor uses his recorder to blow powder in Zaroff's face.
Sean insults the fish people till they do a little dance to suggest they are off on strike.
This is the most Episode 3 episode of Doctor Who you could ever see.
Not sure the "if only slaves had minds of their own they could have saved themselves" line of thought can date badly, because it never aged well to begin with!
This episode got saved, allegedly to preserve the fish dance. Like preserving only Terror of the Zygons episode 4 to preserve Nessie.
ZAROFF: I have underrated you, Doctor. I hardly imagined you would have the nerve to kidnap Zaroff himself.
And he laughs like a loon, claiming he'd started his plan already, but the Doctor disbelieves him as Zaroff would have to be there to set off the explosion himself.
Zaroff then fakes a heart attack and everyone believes him, just because.
Polly tells Lamo that Zaroff is very sick. Hamo disagrees, but then it turns out Zaroff WAS FAKING IT ALL ALONG. I know, my gob is well and truly smacked.
ZAROFF: Have pity on me. At least help me stand at your side so I may feel the aura of your goodness.
POLLY: I think you should. He does look very ill.
Even Dodo is shaking her head in disbelief right about now. Zaroff goes "tada, actually fine" and immediately murders Bamo Zamo to make sure he can't get in the way.
You know, between immediately wiping out threats ASAP, and trying to get rid of the Doctor by execution rather than sit around and talk, the mad and insane Professor Zaroff is actually more pragmatic and intelligent than many of your average genius Dr Who villains.
Btw, that aura of your goodness line? Does not work as a chat up in a night club... or so I hear.
Anyhow, Zaroff has now kidnapped Polly.
But Jamie and Ben get her back again. That lasted.
Meanwhile, Colin Jeavons, the best guest actor in this story, gets one scene, to tell Thous that the fish people are now on strike. Could they not have cast Jeavons as Thous or... anyone with more lines? He never returned to Doctor Who either.
His character was called Damon, not to be confused with Zamo, or Ramo, or Bamo, or any of the other twins all played by Tom Watson, the guy off Taggart and Cardiac Arrest.
Thous tries to detain Zaroff, but he's had his Damascus conversion far, far too late.
ZAROFF: You're a fool. You're a fool! I'll send you to your beloved goddess Amdo to discuss the future of the universe with her.
THOUS: I demand that you
ZAROFF: You? You demand? You demand? Well since your, since your beloved goddess has developed such an enchanting appetite for people, it is only fitting that the great Thous should offer himself. No, no, I shall offer him.
Zaroff shoots the King dead, and then turns to the camera, and announces the two guards be killed. As this happens off screen, Joseph Furst's eyes nearly burst out of his manic head, as he gives the immortal line:
NOTHING IN ZE WORLD CAN SHTOP ME NOW!!!!!
!!!
You can't have a line like that and not have fun with it. I bet you, when Furst read the script and saw that was the cliffhanger, he gave a fist punch in triumph.
The Underwater Menace is running in place for 20 minutes, and has a bunch of daft idiocy, but in terms of The State vs Joseph Furst, this jury finds that he has a right to be GLORIOUS.
No comments:
Post a Comment