I didn't think I would be this busy when I started this - busy, busy and sod all gets done! (Also this was delayed a fortnight by an infected finger. Who gets one of those? Apparently lots of people, its one of the most common ailments in the UK, but I was ignorant of this until I had to stop all writing for over a week and become an even grumpier sod than usual!)
Anyhow...
The Web Planet (episode 1)
Onwards!
The TARDIS is caught in a force field, and is being dragged down to a planet!
The Web Planet itself has three moons. The TARDIS lands on a sandy abandoned plain. The Doctor is worried but Barbara has popped off for a drink instead.
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Ian suggests something is wrong with the TARDIS, which gets a grumpy Doctor response.
Vicki scrunches up her nose as if to sneeze and the scene cuts. Very odd.
It's a Zarbi! It's multiple Zarbi! They're a great costume, for the record. They look very ant like.
Vicki's heard a humming sound which hurts her head.
It's a... thing from the Magic Roundabout by the looks of it.
The TARDIS tries to take off but fails.
The Zarbi do something to the TARDIS. They keep their chitter-chatter going. This makes the TARDIS scanner spin round and round.
Barbara threatens to spring clean the TARDIS. Surely she knows how big it is by now? This writer doesn't seem to!
The Doctor makes Ian put on a respiratory jacket as the atmosphere on the planet isn't suited to human life.
Then they leave the ship.
10 mins in and really not much has happened. Just the regulars talking to each other about a lack of power, and some creatures wombling about outside.
Vicki complains about old people like Barbara, and I'm not entirely convinced the character work in this story is going to be solid.
Barbara is interested in Vicki's education, but as soon as Vicki starts to explain it, Barbara cuts her off!
Then they start talking about a bracelet, and then Barbara mentions how she met Nero last week. They are killing time here.
Outside the planet looks deader than a Terry Nation dead planet.
Ian's pen vanishes into thin air, and then he is amazed by an echo. William Hartnell is excited by echoes. He's all giggles and aha's.
William Russell does a full 360 turn with a worried face, then walks off.
Vicki giggles as Barbara gets worried about things disappearing.
The Doctor looks very daft in his hat. They find a leaning tower of pyramid.
They then spend 40 seconds talking about how curious it is.
Ian hopes his pants stay up as he hands the Doctor his belt. I say.
The Doctor then sets the belt on fire in a pool of acid for the hell of it.
It's a tie now, not a belt, so Ian was just being kinky about his trousers.
"It's very strange", says the Doctor. Presumably about Ian's trousers.
Something was swimming in the acid pool.
The Zarbi chitter-chatter confuses everyone. Barbara holds her head in pain. Vicki wakes up in pain. The doors of the TARDIS open by themselves. Barbara walks into the scenery and yelps in pain. Barbara's arm is acting of its own accord. She walks out of the TARDIS. The doors close.
The TARDIS goes nuts. Vicki, who is asleep again, sleeps through this.
Vicki yells for Barbara, and Ian and The Doctor walk into a trap.
Barbara walks towards the acid pool in a trance.
The TARDIS goes nuts and Vicki can't control it. The TARDIS takes off, leaving the Doctor and Ian on the planet.
Well, that was ODD.
The Web Planet (episode 2)
The Doctor is abandoned on the dead planet. Meanwhile, Barbara's trance takes her closer to the acid pool as some Zarbi watch excitedly. Then they call out and seem to convince her to walk around the acid pool instead. So... the Zarbi saved her life?
Ian is out cold for some reason. Weren't they in a trap, come to think of it?
The Doctor raises Ian to his feet. The Doctor says he has a small shock for Ian, then tells him the TARDIS is gone. We cut before we see William Russell's reaction.
Barbara continues to walk by and WHAT THE ¤¤¤¤ IS THAT THING? A weird creature just jumped in front of the camera and started dancing. Then it followed Barbara.
"There must be an answer" says the Doctor, frustrated by the lack of plot. Then his chest hurts due to the lack of oxygen. "These jackets are bloody useless" he adds.
Ian hears this and just removes his. If you are going to die, you might as well get comfortable. (This feels like an audible by two actors who didn't want to spend 6 episodes wearing a rubbish costume...)
William Russell now has to do some "ouch, my chest" acting.
The TARDIS slowly moves along the sand in not the best SFX shot the Hartnell era ever achieved.
Vicki watches the scenery change on the scanner. And has to do some "wuh whats going on?" eye acting. This story is not very good for regulars so far.
The wasp creature that dances is dragging Barbara off to its den. There some more wasps/moth men are waiting. They take Nero's bracelet off her and explode it.
Then they all look confused as Barbara sees them and is immediately "Oh ¤¤¤¤, aliens".
Ian and The Doctor walk along the same bit of scenery for the 5th time.
So far, Web Planet is a lot of walking in circles. With creatures who don't seem to do much more than exist.
Ian finds a skeleton and the Doctor immediately deduces this is the Earth like planet Vortis. Which looks like its had better days.
The TARDIS continues to travel.
The moth guys want to kill Barbara as she's a stranger. They debate the ethics. Slowly.
Panicky moth guy thinks Barbara is a Zarbi spy. Presumably she looks just like one.
So Barbara runs off and they are unable to chase her. Then she trips on nothing. Ignoble character work for Jackie Hill this week.
The Doctor sees something in the distance that looks like the place you'd keep a TARDIS.
Then the Doctor and Ian walk right into 4 Zarbi without having seen any of them coming on the open terrain. There's also the Magic Roundabout things. The Zarbi poke at Ian, who asks if they can communicate.
"Apart from rubbing our legs together like some sort of grasshopper, I doubt we can get on speaking terms with them" quips the Doctor, and I laugh hard at the first great line in the story. Only took 40 minutes!
At this point, there's nothing to distinguish the Zarbi from the Menoptera (the moth men). In fact, the moth men acted like complete gits, and Zarbi Magic saved Barbara so far.
The TARDIS doors open and Vicki wanders out without even checking her surroundings.
She walks right into a pair of Zarbi.
The Zarbi lead the Doctor and Ian to the growing web.
An alarm sound hurts the Zarbi's head.
The Doctor and Ian find Vicki and the TARDIS.
Barbara is attacked by Zarbi. Maybe she looks like a Menoptera spy?
The Menoptera mutter to each other.
One of them seems to break a prop, then ignores it.
Did I mention this was odd? Because it is.
They talk about a Spearhead. That's a far better Doctor Who story.
Zarbi march Barbara, only for the Zarbi and the Menoptera to have a very weak on screen battle. One Zarbi gets whacked in the hand, one of the Menoptera (I didn't catch which one, they don't seem very interesting) got blasted by Dougal, and Barbara was recaptured by the Mothra supporters club.
Apparently the Zarbi can control gold.
"We are to be taken to the Crater of Needles" says Moth Man. Oh dear, they'll be arguing about Donald Trump and religion before you know it. (Gallifrey Base joke...)
The Doctor is already communicating with the Zarbi, and tells them he isn't opening the TARDIS doors.
An alarm plays and the Zarbi go nuts.
A funnel comes down from the ceiling around the Doctors head and asks him why he comes now.
I don't even know, to be honest.
Web Planet (episode 3)
The Zarbi trap the Doctor and a voice asks him why he is there.
Vicki wants to know what's going on.
The voice wants to know when the Doctors troops will attack, as it thinks he is a Menoptera. He looks exactly like one, of course.
The TARDIS blows up something and the Zarbi run away. Vicki bashed some buttons and made the TARDIS work again. This is just like the time Sadie tried to get my mums broken VCR to work when she was three, then, when it was still broken, pressed some buttons and system restarted it into working again.
"Your ship is weapon proof, you are not" said the voice in a sort of Slartibartfast type threat. He'll be late as in the Late Doctor Who, you see...
Barbara has been taken to the Crater of Needles...
The Doctor keeps muttering about astral maps.
The voice wants the Doctor to help them defeat the Menoptera.
Zarbi wander around aimlessly.
The Zarbi keep Vicki as a prisoner and then one of the Zarbi runs full force into the camera. Sorry, I laughed. A lot.
The Doctor tells Ian to track down Barbara. Ian is worried about the Crater of Needles. See, that man is smarter than your average bear...
"You must never break the time and relative dimension link," warns the Doctor, as they wheel a thing out of the TARDIS.
Ian hugs Vicki.
The Doctor impatiently demands they "drop this hairdryer thing" so he can talk to the voice.
Someone seems to have regretted pitching a 6-parter by this point, and I think it was Bill Strutton.
The Zarbi sod off, and the TARDIS crew go to find Barbara.
Vicki and the Doctor use that thing as a radio receiver to listen to the Menoptera plotting.
They plan to attack the Crater of Needles.
Ian walks into a Zarbi and falls over, then he wrestles it and hits a belly to belly suplex for the win.
The Web starts attacking and a Zarbi goes nuts.
Ian stands in place until a door locks in front of him.
A Zarbi rushes up to the Doctor and looks bloody knackered. The soundscape of this episode sounds like its having a fit.
Some Menoptera fly then hide as lots of Zarbi rush by.
Let's be honest. The Zarbi are the stars of this story. Everything else just sort of mutters.
Vicki fell asleep again for a bit. Sleepy story for her.
Vicki gets something for the Doctor but picks up the wrong thing, and then the Zarbi go nuts again.
Vicki realises the Zarbi are all frightened.
Somethings gone wrong with my eyes, or the screen, as Ian relaxes next to a Menoptera. "Do you still intend to go to the Crater of Needles?"
Not much is happening.
Menoptera tell Ian their story. They say the Zarbi are thick, but a dark power possesses them. It's called The Animus.
It's time for Animusiacs, and they've Zarbi to the max
So sit back and snooze, they're gonna make you lose
They're Animusiacs...
Some Menoptera died off screen. Others were taken to the Crater to discuss Brexit. The dead ones were luckier.
Ian plans to go to the Crater with the living Menoptera.
For a crack resistance force, they are easily led.
A forcefield drags them and there's some rocks falling, and some Zarbi walking about.
End of episode.
I'm afraid this doesn't look like a misunderstood classic so far.
Web Planet (episode 4)
Some creatures grab Ian. I presume that was meant to be the cliffhanger?
Menoptera person thinks Barbara is struggling to breathe. Because she is.
A Zarbi attacks then gets bored and sods off.
A Zarbi bashes a Menoptera. They arrived in advance of the Spearhead from Space, but no Autons here.
I think that was a badly told flashback.
Off screen scientists are building new super guns.
A Zarbi walks right past Barbara. They legit don't give a ¤¤¤¤.
A Zarbi threatens the Doctor. Then walks off.
The Doctor tells Vicki to wait for later.
Immediately 10 seconds later, the Doctor tells Vicki to just use their new weapon instead.
This is being made up as they go along.
Voice talks to the Doctor for a bit.
Vicki does some really bad possessed acting.
Barbara falls over in the sight of a Zarbi.
Ian gets an outchie. The Menoptera then go ouch too.
"Hrostar is it The Invasion?"
No, that's a few series to go. What would Tobias Vaughn do on Vortis? Die from the lack of oxygen, naturally.
Menoptera talk about failing.
I think someone mentioned a web of fear. Stop talking about better Dr Who stories...
Vicki does some finger acting then chucks something at a Zarbi. Everyone is being shits at the poor enslaved Zarbis in this.
This episode is dragging. Badly.
Barbara leads the Menoptera to the plateau. The Doctor talks about astrology again.
The Doctors tool explodes. He finds this funny.
The voice says the Doctor is a spy, yet again.
It gets the information of the Menoptera off the Doctor and says it will deal with him later.
Menoptera panic again.
Random guy with hair yells at Ian. What the hell is going on?
I really wanted this to be good. Or enjoyable.
They plan an attack on the Crater of Needles. A pincer manoeuvre against long winded Libertarians extolling the virtues of individualism and voluntary association? (TM Gallifrey Base regular GarlicBread for that one!)
Some scenery.
More Menoptera. Sigh. Barbara walks along the rocks.
It's time for the Menoptera attack force.
Barbara suddenly notices some Zarbi two feet away plotting. The Menoptera fly in and Dougal from the Magic Roundabout zaps them.
Worst
D-Day
Ever.
Zarbi creep up on some others and bite them. How unaware of your surroundings do you need to be? They are giant ants FFS!!!!
Barbara runs away and lets the Menoptera just die.
Zarbi surround Barbara and the two surviving Menoptera.
Its a cliffhanger, at least.
Zarbi creep up on some others and bite them. How unaware of your surroundings do you need to be? They are giant ants FFS!!!!
Barbara runs away and lets the Menoptera just die.
Zarbi surround Barbara and the two surviving Menoptera.
Its a cliffhanger, at least.
Web Planet (episode 5)
So yes, the Menoptera and Barbara try to escape being surrounded by the Zarbi, and after Barbara falls over, they manage to do so easily.
The Doctor and Vicki are being kept in a deep trance. Or were until Vicki removed the equipment easily. Because the Doctor sabotaged it last episode.
Zarbi walk past the Doctor, ignoring him. Vicki then pretends to be distressed and the Doctor puts his new thing on the Zarbi immobilising it. Always prey on the kindness of your enemies, an old Dr Who mantra. Er, what?
The Doctor now has a pet Zarbi under his control.
Barbara wanders around a cave and calls it beautiful. Menoptera call it the temple of light, then waffles on about their Gods. I've seen better acting on Mr Tumble's show.
This Menoptera bit about graves and dead folk goes on a bit...
This is Martin Jarvis too, not in his finest role - but he got better roles. Including in Dr Who.
The Menoptera have invented a gun which will defeat the web Animus, but instead of using it, having hid in a cave moaning about it.
Meanwhile Ian shows up. He is also with some Menoptera. They get everywhere. The other weird creature tells him the tunnels breathe hate. They will lead him through these prejudiced tunnels.
The Doctor, Vicki and their pet Zarbi move around the place and the camera goes all weird again. I was beginning to think my eyes were faulty but its some camera trick.
The Doctor whistles to his Zarbi.
The other creatures with Ian break the "teeth of stone" by whacking the badly made set with swords.
They break down another wall. A whole bunch of rocks fall down instead. The Menoptera of the party panics a bit, they are a bit stereotyped.
Meanwhile, Barbara is organising all the battle plans for the rest of the Menoptera. However they realise they forgot to lock the doors. Just as well, as in walks the Doctor, Vicki and pet Zarbi.
Ian holds his Menoptera who struggles to breathe.
Acid pool starts to drip into the tunnel so one of the creatures blocks it with her body, dying. William Russell looks horrified, managing to find time to continue his run of being the one consistently great thing even in godawful episodes like this.
Ian looks sad at the dead creature that everyone else completely ignores.
It was a bit grim and left field, and the most successfully alien moment in five episodes for how normalised everyone bar Ian assumed it was.
So at this point, the Zarbi are harmless but enslaved. The Menoptera are free thinking but hate Zarbi. Who is the monster? Just trying to find some subtext in this.
I think this is the first time William Hartnell has looked utterly bored by the show. The Doctor comes up with his plan to save the day in Episode 6.
Meanwhile the Menoptera are... stroking Vicki's hair? What a bunch of weirdos.
And one Menoptera now wants to take control of the Zarbi and starts Menoptera-splains Zarbi to the Doctor.
This winds up with the Menoptera getting the Doctors ring to help, and the Doctor tells him he will kill him if he doesn't return it. I am paraphrasing in lieu of excitement...
Doctor and Vicki walk towards the Animus Base. Some Zarbi are eating and get interrupted.
Ian's group plan to dig out of their tunnel. This makes that 25 mins of crossing a small crevasse in The Daleks seem rivetting.
Barbara is with the other group.
Meanwhile some Zarbi attack the Doctor and Vicki, and randomly a gun is shot at them. They are covered in web. I think this also happened in a better Dr Who story...
Web Planet (episode 6)
Only 24 minutes left! Hooray!
Vicki screams as she is covered in a web of fear.
Some Menoptera jump up in order from behind a rock like they were on Show Me Show Me.
The Doctor, who looks frozen, is made to talk to the Voice. At least he does note he views the Zarbi as oppressed in this bit. Was beginning to get worried about his double standards on slavery this week.
Barbara watches like Wellington, and sends in her Zarbi. Hang on, controlled "monster", Doctor and friends as prisoners, a web, web guns, allies in tunnels with limited escape routes... Web of Fear is basically this but on Earth and with Yetis and UNIT! And better.
Another Zarbi shows up and the Menoptera mock it till it gets confused.
The Zarbi scattered us too easily, says Martin Jarvis. This is not your best work, Martin.
Zarbi run about the corridors.
Ian's group dug into some water.
A Menoptera strokes a Zarbi like a pet.
Dougal and a Zarbi just exist. Next scene. Huh?
Oh there's Dougal, coming after the Menoptera.
Some badly choreographed fighting commences, and the Menoptera chap dies. They are bloody useless. He then falls on Dougal and squashes him.
Hrostar is dead, apparently. He was the one who moaned about how they would all die. Odd to see a Dr Who guest live up to his end of a promise like that.
The Doctor and Vicki are still prisoners, in case you were worried.
They are sent into a bright and loud room, and even though they are not Sensorites, they struggle with it.
A big wormy thing with tentacles is revealed to be the Animus.
So yes, the Animus is the cancer, changing the planet, until it can be defeated with an Iso-tope (radiotherapy).
Barbara is in the villains lair, as are all three of the Menoptera still about.
They find the Zarbi nest and find the Zarbi Mind Control Machine.
The Animus tries to strangle Vicki.
The Animus plans to attack Earth now, in case you wanted some late Episode 6 jeopardy.
The Menoptera and Barbara find the "astral map" and Barbara can easily contact planets she'd never heard of, so the Menoptera can talk to each other.
The Isotope was still there, so the Menoptera have to get up and actually do something about it.
Ian is still fighting to actually get involved in the plot.
Barbara rushes in and throws the isotope and it fails.
Then Ian climbs up into the scene.
Barbara falls in and throws the isotope onto the Animus and just kills it. If you want something dead, send for Barbara this season, because she will ¤¤¤¤ing murder it for you.
The Zarbi are unsettled, like something was controlling their mind for ages.
The Menoptera make peace with people. At bloody last.
Martin Jarvis talks to the Doctor, who demands his ring back.
"Light is good," they say, in the darkest possible Dr Who set.
I was hoping the Web Planet would turn out to be maligned like many other lesser loved Who stories. Unfortunately, its script is dire and doesn't stretch to 2 episodes, let alone 6. The regulars are underused, misused, and in Ian's case, dumped in a tunnel for 2 episodes and ignored. It tries to experiment but it needed a far more sympathetic production team and director than it got, and the end result on TV is an utter mess.
There was another 3 mins after the TARDIS left of the Menoptera pissing about, but really, sod that for a game of soldiers...
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